So I have definitely learned that I cannot have my own agenda. Even though my own agenda consists of things like hand washing my clothes, writing an email, reading, playing the piano, doing lunges-it’s still my own agenda that I like to have. But I cannot. Because, my friends, in Africa, circumstance prevails and there is no other alternative. Culturally people are always late. I have waited for over an hour for people or events. Just throw out my own plan, because I am now waiting. A better example of not having my own agenda was just the other day. The day was one of those frustrating ones; the language barrier made me a little snappy, I was hungry at lunch because of course it was only white rice and kimchi. (and Lord knows so much of that rice will make me expand like a hot air balloon) Then I fight back tears, because my plan that night consisted of calling home, and I am told that the phone is not working until Monday. (it is Friday.) Awesome. I make myself feel a little better by watching Pakistan Fashion TV, (all modeling and hair and makeup…it’s like a mini retreat every time I watch it), before I have to direct the musical. Well at 4 no one is even around the place we are meeting. There should be twenty students. So, at 4:30 no one is there yet, not even the teacher, so I decide I need to leave. I start out to take a walk in the forest to just be alone, and maybe cry a little, when I hear crying myself coming up from the gate. It is the cutest little Susie from the special school, sobbing as the guard takes her up the path. I scoop her up and fight back my own tears as hers are wetting my shoulder. When I bring her up to the school I find out that she isn’t supposed to have come back from the holiday unless her parents paid their school fees, because she hasn’t paid them all yet. So instead of facing it, the parents just left her at the gate crying so they didn’t have to deal with it. Now this broke my heart right open. I kissed that kid hundred times and then left the compound. I crossed the road into the forest, choosing the path that I have not been down yet and let some tears fall, for Susie, for myself, for frustration, just because. But then I found something I have been looking for since I came here. A clearing that gave me a perfect view of the valley and the distant mountains. It was just what I needed. I decided that I would go on a hike the next morning to explore, because there was much to see here! So I thanked God for that gift, walked a little further, and then made my way back to dinner feeling a little better. Before dinner I a spent some time watching the high schoolers practice a dance they are working on, which I love and always get to watch because they have to get permission from me to use the cd player at the special school ;) anyway, I sat and held little Susie on my lap and watched some of the special school kids try to join in and dance with them. This was so cute, and their little feet just danced on my heart so much that I teared up. It was then I realized that a black 8 year old boy with down syndrome has more rhythm than the average white person.
Well, at dinner I decided since I can’t use the phone, I will go write my emails and blogs and just save them to the computer to use the on the internet later when the phone worked again. As the disappointingly small dinner was served, the power went out. Wonderful. Oh yes, did I mention the water ran out about an hour ago? Yep. No power, no phone, no water. After our not so romantic candlelit dinner I went to my room to just be. Just sit and be alone. Then my new roommate came in and asked a stupid question and that was about the last straw. Now maybe you think I touchy, but I don’t know. Sometimes everyone just drives me crazy-and then I am reminded of how no one knows me here, and that feeling of aloneness drives me into wanting to retreat and be more alone and be in solitude with just myself and God. So I went out on our porch to just sit and look at the stars in the dark of the night. I put on my headphones and just cried a little again. But not out of homesickness, or sorrow really, more of a sort of cry that is just for God to hear, to let him know I was lonely and just wanted to rest with him awhile. Just then I saw a shooting star. Now, you can say this was a coincidence or whatever, but I think it was God saying to me “Oh, honey, there there. Here, would you like a star to stream across the sky?” At the moments when I have nothing left God has a way of speaking right into my heart.
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