I have heard a few good messages in the past month or so on singleness, as well as experienced some change in my own life regarding dating. Because of this, I feel as though I have come to a new perspective of being single and what that looks like in my life as a follower of Christ.
I have went through many stages in my past 27 years of living. It has basically been a roller-coaster of this: "i want to be in love" "i don't want to date" "God will bring me someone when I am content in Him" "screw this waiting thing I am joining e-harmony". Granted, it has looked different from when I was 16 to 22, but generally it has been the same emotions and the same sort of prayers. My principles have remained the same: I eventually want to be married, I believe God knows my desires, I should be content in Him first, I won't compromise my standards, I won't have sex outside of marriage, and I trust Him. I have heard a lot of garbage regarding singleness, and lots of it coming from Christians. Also one of the first things people ask me is if I'm married or have kids, and when I say no it's as if I have ended the conversation right there. The awkwardness always ensues unless I think of something clever to say to put them at ease. Unfortunately we live in a culture where if you are a Christian, marriage reigns supreme and for the non-christian culture sex is central. Well, folks, I'm not married and I'm not having sex, nor I am dating. I'm not casually meeting guys, not pining after Mr. Right, I'm not journaling Godly messages to my future spouse, I'm not even praying for a husband. Gasp.
My pastor friend said we are ALL called to singleness until we are called into marriage. I love that. What she means is that in order to fully serve God and live out His kingdom we need to be totally devoted to His purposes, and unless being married will help us do that better, we shouldn't be married. How many marriages operate under that principle?
She also said that in the Old Testament where God says to be fruitful and multiply is to populate the earth, but in the New Testament Jesus says to make disciples of all nations. Jesus doesn't say to get married, have kids, and bring them to Sunday School. Under the new covenant of Jesus our call is to make disciples.
The other teaching I heard was about how way way back in the day, non-romantic relationships were really different than they are now. Nowadays intimate relationships are reserved for marriages, and our friendships are good, but not truly intimate. It was more common for relationships between friends to have a deep level of intimacy, that had the potential to be very deep and life giving, yet not sexual. In the present time it is rare to experience relationships like that. We do a ourselves a deep disservice because we are greatly missing out on the magnitude of what community has to offer. As Christians we often wait to get married to experience any depth in a relationship and expect our spouse to fill our most intimate desires and needs. Granted, a spouse eventually can meet a lot of those needs, and the sexual intimacy obviously creates a unique bond that you cannot share with someone else. However, so many Christians are so disappointed because they waited so long for this perfect somebody only to find out they are not perfect, that marriage takes an immense amount of work, and as humans we are created to have our relational needs met by a community of people. If we spent time loving our friends in authentic ways, and really cultivating deep, God-honoring, Kingdom-seeking friendships I think we would be surprised by not only the level of joy and enrichment they bring to our lives, but also how much wholeness we can bring into a marriage and our ministries. I am fortunate in my own life to have experienced more than one really amazing, fulfilling, edifying, redemptive, and life giving friendship. God has shown me so much of Himself through them, and I would be a fool to think that He wouldn't show me Himself until I was married. I know that marriage can be a reflection of the relationship of Christ and the Church, but very few of them are that way. It can be, but so can unconditionally loving non-marital relationships too. I would also venture to say that because marriage is in a covenant there is a different level of trust that you can have in a friendship, so it is almost more risky at times to really invest in friendships because people can bow out at any moment. But that is sacrificial love, loving no matter what you get or don't get out of it.
Now those are some of the things I am learning and loving that I'm learning. I want to share briefly my thoughts on my own principles and how God is speaking to me currently, because He has been very direct with me!
1. I eventually want to be married. This is a true statement, however if I don't get married I know I will be okay. God has proven His provision over and over again, and I am not waiting to get married. I am living, I am listening to God, I am trying to be obedient in every area of my life, and I am letting Him refine me into the kind of person that He wants me to be and is ready for His Kingdom. I want to love Him, love those around me, and invite others into the radical, incredible, difficult, and passionate adventure that it is to follow Christ.
2. Believe God knows my desires. My desires are for far more than marriage. I desire to have intimacy with Him, my Creator. I desire to be loved for who I am by those around me. I desire to have relationships that reflect the Kingdom of God and His beauty. I desire to be joyful and content in Him. I desire for children to always be around me. I desire to taste and see creation. I desire to be free and I desire to only fear the Lord and nothing else. I desire to see Christ in the world that I live in. I desire peace and I desire justice.
3. I should be content in Him first. Contentment means that I will be satisfied in the knowledge of God here on earth-that is far different than fulfillment. I will never be fulfilled on this earth, that will only happen when Jesus' Kingdom comes and I am with Him. There will always be a level of discontentment, so to think that I will be fully content in Him on earth is a myth. I can only have my eye set on the Hope that is to come.
4.I won't compromise my standards. No one is going to tell me I have too high of standards. I would rather be single the rest of my life than compromise. God has high standards for me, why shouldn't I want the best? I know I am not perfect, but I will not sell myself short. It is so not worth it.
5. I won't have sex outside of marriage. I think if most of single Christian gals were honest with ourselves sometimes we just want to have sex. Who doesn't? We were created for it, and since we don't get married at 13 anymore it makes sense that there is a level of sexual frustration by the time we reach our late 20's. The thing that makes me the most sad is that so many people I know compromise what they really want for themselves because its easier to just give into our physical desires. And yes, they are temporarily satisfying. But is messes with our minds and hearts and deceives us. The heart is so deceptive, and I know mine can be as well. So as far as any physical boundaries-mine are very strong and firm. Maybe that seems prudish, but I know myself and it's not worth letting my heart mess up my mind because of a few fleeting moments of sensuality with a man who isn't committed to me in a covenant.
6. I trust Him. Here's the deal-God told me in prayer and worship a year ago not to date or even entertain the thought of dating for two years. He wants my heart to be so focused on Him that it doesn't even think about the possibility of dating. I said yes to that, and I have been amazed at the road He has led me down. Currently I am learning so much about myself, about truly Christ-like love, refinement, and so much more. I am extremely thankful for this journey, as hard as it's proving to be. It has been one year since God has called me to this specific place of not dating or even thinking about dating, and it has had its ups and downs. There was a time last spring I was pretty mad about it, but God gently reminded me of His faithfulness to me and and His faithfulness to my heart's needs in the past. I recommitted to His call in this season. This past fall it has been very easy, and I am thankful for the focus I have on God, for the ways He's speaking to me, for the things I am able to do as a single woman right now. I honestly love the life God has gifted me with, and I have so much joy in His promises and provision. I am excited about living His Kingdom!!
Community is key. I am so blessed to have little ones that love me, zealous young people I mentor, committed friends around my age to invest in me, wise mentors who share their life with me and invite me to see their marriages, people my parents age who pour life and truth and encouragement into me, and such a great community of faithful followers who I can share meals with, serve with, worship with, and pray with. I can tell you that I honesty have times of being lonely-but it's not necessarily because I don't have a husband. I think it's the longing for someone to know and understand the very depth of me, the soul of me, to love all of who I am. Only God can do that perfectly, and He provides people to give me tastes of that. Even if I am married someday I am sure I will still experience that loneliness when I feel misunderstood or my husband isn't meeting my needs the way I want. In those times of loneliness it is sometimes necessary to surrender it to God and let Him speak to me, it is sometimes necessary to call a faithful friend and be comforted, it is sometimes necessary to experience the hurt and sorrow of that feeling and lean on the hope that we will feel complete someday in Christ. I can say that the times when I feel a pang of jealousy for marriage is when I am seeing couples whom I know well and really respect their marriage. I desire a marriage like theirs, and that pang comes from I think wanting to experience God in a new way, in that covenant of marriage. It isn't so much a longing to just be married, it is the what God brings in that.
The last thing that has changed for me is how I view dating. Dating just to date isn't for me, and I have decided that I am not going to entertain the thought of going out with someone unless they have come through my community first. As of now, my community, the ministry that is happening around me, where I have my hands, is what is most important to me and where I believe God has me. Unless that changes, the man that comes around for me must go through them, experience the community, be a part of the ministry, and if he gets the approval of some cherished people in my life only then will I pursue getting to know someone further. Maybe that will change, but as of now that's what I am committed too. It is very clear to me that I couldn't do what I am doing now, as God has called me, very well if I was married. I also would be horrible at marriage right now anyway because there is so much internal work that God is bringing up.
So, no I am not dating,
No, I am not waiting for a husband.
No, I don't necessarily expect to get married.
Someday, I would like to be married.
My life is SO not focused on marriage! It is so much more than that! And I hope and pray, that if you are married that you are seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness together. I hope and pray that if you are dating that you are seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness together, and the person you are dating is as well. If you are single, seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. For all of us-be in community! If you are married, invite single friends to dinner. If you are single, find a mentor, get invested with people who have Godly and authentic marriages. Share life, in all stages. That is how the body works together. God is so good to meet our desires-and He knows our desires better than we know them, as ultimately they are for Himself.
Seek Him Seek Him Seek Him. He is faithful.
