As I get older, I appreciate the ways I have grown in wisdom and experiences-and because of that much of the ways I interact with people gets easier, as well as dealing with difficult situations, people at work, conflicts, etc. I am so thankful that I have reached a point of self-awareness and self-assured-ness to get through these situations gracefully. In that respect, however, I find two things to be more difficult. As I mentioned in my last post, asking for help is something I constantly have to work on and learn from. I am learning this in the context of living in community and with the hopes of always staying in a community that is supportive of one another in the area of needs and resources. So I know it is something I will constantly need to be growing and be held accountable too.
The other thing I find very challenging is forgiveness. Not forgiving others, but being forgiven. It's not too hard to accept an apology and move on from folks mistakes. We are human, it happens, and ultimately God forgives-so must I. I am finding that being forgiven by someone else is an awfully uncomfortable feeling. I think when I was younger and in college even, we often glossed over things or didn't fully express when there was a problem. I can only think of a few examples of having to apologize to someone or vice-versa, and usually it was some sort of mutual exchange because of a misunderstanding of something.
I'd also like to think I am someone who doesn't intentionally hurt people, or say things that are going to require an apology. Looking back I realize there are times I have been too careless with words and probably owe people an apology-however either I wasn't in close enough friendship with them to express their hurt, or they didn't feel comfortable disclosing their own feelings of hurt to bring it up directly to me.
Now, as I enter into closer relationships with people and in intentional community with people, I find that we must continually have strength as individuals to come in freedom and express our hurts, miscommunications, frustrations, etc with others and know that we will be okay if it is not received well. Just as I am learning to be okay with expressing this, I have to be willing to receive others feelings in the same way. I think this is especially true if we are going to conquer societal divisions such as race, class, and even theology.
Bringing me to my point: When I make a mistake or say something hurtful, intentional or not, I have to be willing to bring my sincere apologies without explaining them away. I think that because I am not intentionally trying to hurt or offend, if someone gets hurt/offended/irriated/whatever I better make my case so they know it wasn't my intention. I am coming to think that is the wrong attitude to have. I need to apologize, and that is all I can do. If i am sincere, and the person truly knows and trusts my character, then I need to be secure enough to be able to apologize and have that be enough. If they choose not to accept, then that is that. My experience so far is that I am always forgiven. The strange part is, I feel sick all day and really have a hard time accepting the apology without feeling like I want to explain explain explain, and then wanting affirmation that I am okay. But when I think of the forgiveness modeled from God our Father-all he requires of us is the sincere confession out of a pure heart, and He forgives. Simple as that. Why is it so hard in our human relationships?
I have been praying that God will let me experience His grace more profoundly than I ever have, and I am beginning to see that He can show it to me in my blunders with human relationships. I need to practice constant humility, have the strength to always apologize, and to be secure enough to be of little words and much listening.
