Going to Kenya was a dream, and I had high hopes for a life-changing experience that met all my expectations (don't we all??). To make a really long story short, my experience was everything I didn't expect and all I didn't hope for, full of disappointments, frustrations, and confusion. (My blogs from Kenya are in the archives if you care to venture into them....) It took me a full year to process it. The overall message was this: I thought I would want to be a full time missionary, I thought I would be doing great things, and I thought I would be changed as I made a difference. I didn't make one bit of difference, I saw no fruit, I was sad all the time, I was lonely and cried. I didn't understand my purpose, I felt useless. I gained no passion. God has a way of humbling us, and teaching us through humility and mercy. Spending 3 months with only God to comfort is a unique opportunity, as well as not doing anything we would consider productive. God was calling me to himself, teaching me to be a learner, and ultimately to find my worth ONLY in Him. My identity cannot and must not come from being a missionary or anything else. Coming back from that trip I knew two things, I wanted to be in a more diverse setting, and I was ready to be productive again (I didn't know at the time that wasn't exactly the point...).
I threw myself into a millions things: Trying to keep up with every friend, two jobs, coaching hockey, volunteering at Gillette Children and the Salvation Army, trying to go to mass weekly, and getting involved at Sanctuary Covenant Church (www.sanctuarycov.org) by volunteering in a few areas. I chose to settle at Sanctuary for three reasons-I needed to finally just pick a church and stay put, I wanted to be at a covenant church, and it was an intentionally diverse community with music I really connected with.
I kept up this crazy routine for about 6 or 7 months until two friends called me out. I remember sitting on Leah's bed with Steph and Leah at my side, and gently telling me I needed to stop. They prayed for me, and from there I decided to have one job and one volunteer thing. In hindsight, I was doing all these things that made me worthy after the shameful experience of having nothing to tell after being in Africa. To be busy with different jobs and volunteering gave me so much purpose and worth-I didn't have to think about it I could just rest in that.
I started working at a school in northeast Minneapolis as a Special Ed teacher assistant. I was in an almost all African-American and African school with almost all white staff in a very Somali neighborhood. I was really excited about this, and eventually let go of my other two jobs to just be working 30 hours a week at the school. The volunteer experience I decided to stick with was at Sanctuary's Community Development Cooperation. It was a group for girls called Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI-fkkH-4NQ At this point I had volunteered one hour a week through the spring of 2007, and I had decided to stick with it for this upcoming school year (2010). I have to say this was actually the one volunteer thing I was sort of unsure of, because I was the most uncomfortable in it and seemingly useless. But I felt God told me to stay with it, so that is why I chose that.
I need to stop to say a word about Beautiful here. When I started with it was at a school in North Minneapolis (which was an area of town I didn't realize existed). I showed up at the school, my second time on the northside, and nervously entered into the building that said "Jambo!" (A swahili greeting, which is the language of Kenya) on the door. I was immediately startled by the all the students flooding the halls-none being white. Besides one white teacher I eventually saw, all staff and students were black. I was very aware of my whiteness. About 15 girls met in the library lead by a woman named Tryenyse, and there I sat. Listening to middle school aged girls get worked up about everything and anything, speaking so fast, and using so much slang that I missed have of what was being said. Week after week I came, listening, not sure how to contribute, how to interact, and being very uncomfortable in my own skin. I remained quiet, asked Tryenyse sometimes what different phrases meant, and was able to offer up my one contribution: have a manicure day. Great, glad I could paint their nails and really influence their life. We finished the school year and I went on to help a little in the summer. We were at a different school this time, so I got lost plenty of times in North Minneapolis. I really liked Tryenyse, and like the girls that were in the program, I just felt very unsure of myself, shy, and mostly observant. So, when the summer was done and the opportunity to continue on through the fall came, I was hesitant, but followed what God was asking.
So I started fall of 2007 living in the highland area of St. Paul (my dream living situation) in a cutesy apartment with my dear friend Mel, working in Northeast in a diverse school, attending Sanctuary, and volunteering 3 days a week for Beautiful at a school called Afrocentric Academy with Tryenyse and another woman named Stacie. There are four significant things that happened in this year (from fall 2007-spring 2008) that shaped so much of where I am now: working with Beautiful, asking Tryenyse to mentor me, spending intentional time just being before the Lord and listening, and taking a class starting in January of 2008 called City Matters.
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