On being a Doula

Doula: The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period. (Definition taken from the DONA International website.)

This was not a word I had even heard of before 2009. I was invited to the birth of one of my friend's firstborn, then her second born, then my sisters first...and I started to realize I was amazed by birth. Each experience caused a deep emotion to rise within me and pour out through tears as I witnessed such a sacred and holy moment. It was sometime after those three births when someone whose hair I was doing at the Aveda Institute informed me about the role of doula, and maybe I should look into it. I did, and sort of shelved it for later. As I attended the birth of my friend's third born daughter, I realized I didn't know much about birth or what was even happening during labor. I had the thoughts of studying birth in the back of my head, and I even attended a different friend's natural birth to shadow a doula in 2011, but it wasn't until my sister became pregnant for the second time in the spring of 2012 that I really considered starting the training to become certified. Another close friend getting pregnant that summer solidified the deal. I started the process in August and became officially certified through the Doulas Of North America (DONA International) in June of 2013.


I have the opportunity to work with mothers from a variety of backgrounds through an organization called Everyday Miracles. They work primarily with women who are at higher risk for poor birth outcomes and I have been overwhelmed with how much joy it is to serve women and their families through their birth experience. I also was able to support my sister through her second (totally natural!) birth as well as a few other friends along the way. Needless to say, becoming a doula has been a totally wonderful part of my life, as well as an unexpected career shift, as I thought I would be doing it just as an on the side gig. I quit my job in the salon at the end of 2012 and here I find myself with 4 mothers due in this month alone!


There are two incredible things I have learned in the past year as a doula, and I would like to share them here.


The first is that I could not be a doula without the counseling I have been seeking the past two years. I have been working, with God's grace, in developing an emotionally healthy spirituality, gaining perspective on myself and how I navigate through relationships, and learning how to love with a healthy, interdependent Christ-like love. It has been a really hard journey-but one that has changed my life and how I am in relationships. Because of this work, I feel like I can give of myself in the doula relationships I have in such a way that is free from my own baggage. I can be fully present during labor, giving out of the well of peace from Christ's love within me, rather than trying to rely on my own feeble efforts. I do believe God has given me skills and talents to work with mothers well during the experience of labor, but because of the freedom I have in Him and the freedom from my own relational damage I feel like I can give in a loving way out of a better place than I could have a few years ago. To me that is a testimony to God's faithfulness in His timing in our lives as we are obedient to Him and follow, often blindly, into unfamiliar territory. I am thankful.


The second thing I have learned is to submit to something larger than myself. I like to say I do this in my relationship with God on a regular basis, but the truth is I have a certain measure of control over my life that I daily choose to submit to God or cling to. ( I usually am doing the latter.) In birth, there is nothing you can do but be present to what is happening in labor and wait. I just wait. I watch. I am there, fully there...with no control but to choose to succumb to the steady, often slow, rhythm of labor. It is truly the only area of my life that I submit fully to patience and have no measure of control. What unfolds is incredible...every birth follows the same pattern somewhat like a song. Each is different, but follows the musical pattern of verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge....chorus...maybe a doxology in a hymn. Each birth is different, yet I usually can expect a the steady pattern of early labor, the intensity of contractions as active labor takes over, the peak of emotions and physical motion in the transition stage, and the overwhelming anticipation as the urge to push takes over. And then I know, without a doubt, that after all those hours of patience and the steady beat of a woman in labor, a baby will in fact come out. Just like that.


During a birth this winter I was sitting on a chair in the corner of a dark room, well into the night, watching the monitor steadily go up and down with each contraction as the mother slept deeply with her epidural. The labor had been long and I was coming into the awareness of the lack of control I have in being a doula, and how much patience I was learning in turning off the rest of my life for a time to be present during a birth. I was thinking how I fail so much at doing this in my faith: resting in God's presence and His timing. I know He is unfailing in His love, and He is faithful to His children...so why can't I trust that if I am submitting myself to Him that I can rest in His truth? I always try to make my own way, make my own plans and ask God to come along. In the process of birth, there is something so beautiful and so sacred when the baby comes out....whether it was 35 hours of labor or only 2, I know the labor needed to happen for the gift of life to come. I always am full of joy as I leave the hospital, knowing that the long hours were worth being able to witness the miracle of a little boy or a little girl emerge from a woman. I want to learn that same patience in my life submitted to Christ. His Kingdom is worth it. My prayer is that I can have the strength to surrender to labor in life, to dwell in the moments, and the grace to wait for the joys to come.

Will I trust?

Last Saturday night my car was stolen while I was at an event in my neighborhood. I think my keys fell out of my purse while I was walking in, and then someone picked them up and figured out they belonged to my car and took off. My friend Tryenyse was with me and all her music business stuff was in the backseat, including her laptop. All of my hair supplies were in the trunk, plus countless other things as I basically treat my trunk like a garage. Tears were shed, police were called, and many people prayed. I felt so uplifted by the prayer and concern of those around me. I didn't quite let the reality of not getting the car back enter my mind-I decided to give myself a week of hoping for its return. I only have liability insurance, and it doesn't cover a stolen car...so not only was I looking at hundreds of dollars in replacing my hair supplies and other things, I was also out the only asset to my name. Here's the thing though-I have always wondered what this day would look like. How will I handle adversity? How will I handle trials? I can't afford a new car or new hair supplies. And actually, everything in my life is in question right now and the last thing I want to deal with is this. I have been trying to buy a house for a year now-and just when I thought things were looking up because I qualified for a special program through Wells Fargo to get $15,000...they told me I didn't get approved for a mortgage loan. I was approved through a different agency, but that doesn't matter because Wells Fargo has to approve me to receive the grant money. The salon I have been at for a year is undergoing a lot of change, and while people are great there, I am working my way and into something else...to what? I don't know. My church is on a sabbatical for the time being, so the energy I have put there is sort of hanging in a space of unknown for now. My family is another series of ups and downs. So, I am not sure where to live or where to work or where to worship or what to do. And my computer is SO slow. (Okay that doesn't really matter, but it's annoying...) So my hands go up, my head goes down, and I say "Lord, do what you want with me. I don't know anything." Now back to the car. The car I have was a gift. It was never mine to begin with, and I told the Lord He can use it for whatever He would like. And He has shown me how to do just that. When it was stolen, I said well-it wasn't mine anyway, so Lord you are going to have to provide me with what I need to do what you want me to do. The lyric "My Shepherd will supply my need, Jehovah is His name..." keeps running through my head. I was put to a true test of my trust in Him. Do I trust with the one thing I actually own? Do I trust Him to provide financially? Do I trust Him to give me what I need to do what I think He has called me to do? When I started asking myself these questions, it led me down a deeper path. What do I really own? What is my life after all? The Bible teaches me that I am not my own, that anyone who loses their life will find it, that to die to self is to gain in Christ...and on and on. I am nothing apart of Christ. Nothing. The car is a means to do what God is calling, just like anything material. There is still breath in me, therefore I will rejoice in my Creator and trust Him. Did the foundation break? No! Is the Rock broken? No! And I stand on the Rock, the faithful One. My wonderful friend, G-Shep, spotted my car 10 blocks from my house while driving his afternoon bus route. I was doing wedding hair and didn't answer the phone, but Tryenyse and her husband Stacey went over to confirm that it was my car. It was, and it was in the same condition I left it in. All my stuff was still in the trunk, but all of Tryeynse's stuff was gone. They had to tow it to the Minneapolis impound lot since I was unavailable. And there it sits now...as I have to find a mechanic to change all the locks before I can take it out. The people that stole it still have the keys (the only keys as a matter of fact) and since they live near me I don't want to take any chances. So I sit here in my bed, feeling mixed emotions. Sad for my friend who lost her precious things, glad that the car was returned in good condition, prayerful that God will provide the money I need to change the locks and and pay the impound lot, and overwhelmed with the feelings I am holding about trusting in God. The way I feel now is the same as yesterday, and the same as last Saturday. I cannot trust in what will happen, what I have planned, what career move I make next, what house I think I can buy....I cannot trust in my health, in being "happy", and a ministry. I can't even trust that people I love will be around me tomorrow or I'll live to see another day. This whole experience, as small and unimportant as it is, has pointed me back, once again, to trust completely and entirely in God-the One who holds all things together, who knows my desires and dreams, who loves me with an unconditional love and calls me His own. No matter what I want to accomplish, plan out, make, dream, whatever-it means nothing apart from Him. The peace of Christ is ruling my mind...and it is beyond my understanding. I pray that it permeates everything I do. Car or no car....I just want to know Him and have Him know me.

"The sure provisions of my God Attend me all my days; O may Thy house be my abode, And all my work be praise! There would I find a settled rest, While others go and come; No more a stranger, nor a guest, But like a child at home."

Why I'm Single.

I have heard a few good messages in the past month or so on singleness, as well as experienced some change in my own life regarding dating. Because of this, I feel as though I have come to a new perspective of being single and what that looks like in my life as a follower of Christ.

I have went through many stages in my past 27 years of living. It has basically been a roller-coaster of this: "i want to be in love" "i don't want to date" "God will bring me someone when I am content in Him" "screw this waiting thing I am joining e-harmony". Granted, it has looked different from when I was 16 to 22, but generally it has been the same emotions and the same sort of prayers. My principles have remained the same: I eventually want to be married, I believe God knows my desires, I should be content in Him first, I won't compromise my standards, I won't have sex outside of marriage, and I trust Him. I have heard a lot of garbage regarding singleness, and lots of it coming from Christians. Also one of the first things people ask me is if I'm married or have kids, and when I say no it's as if I have ended the conversation right there. The awkwardness always ensues unless I think of something clever to say to put them at ease. Unfortunately we live in a culture where if you are a Christian, marriage reigns supreme and for the non-christian culture sex is central. Well, folks, I'm not married and I'm not having sex, nor I am dating. I'm not casually meeting guys, not pining after Mr. Right, I'm not journaling Godly messages to my future spouse, I'm not even praying for a husband. Gasp.

My pastor friend said we are ALL called to singleness until we are called into marriage. I love that. What she means is that in order to fully serve God and live out His kingdom we need to be totally devoted to His purposes, and unless being married will help us do that better, we shouldn't be married. How many marriages operate under that principle?

She also said that in the Old Testament where God says to be fruitful and multiply is to populate the earth, but in the New Testament Jesus says to make disciples of all nations. Jesus doesn't say to get married, have kids, and bring them to Sunday School. Under the new covenant of Jesus our call is to make disciples.

The other teaching I heard was about how way way back in the day, non-romantic relationships were really different than they are now. Nowadays intimate relationships are reserved for marriages, and our friendships are good, but not truly intimate. It was more common for relationships between friends to have a deep level of intimacy, that had the potential to be very deep and life giving, yet not sexual. In the present time it is rare to experience relationships like that. We do a ourselves a deep disservice because we are greatly missing out on the magnitude of what community has to offer. As Christians we often wait to get married to experience any depth in a relationship and expect our spouse to fill our most intimate desires and needs. Granted, a spouse eventually can meet a lot of those needs, and the sexual intimacy obviously creates a unique bond that you cannot share with someone else. However, so many Christians are so disappointed because they waited so long for this perfect somebody only to find out they are not perfect, that marriage takes an immense amount of work, and as humans we are created to have our relational needs met by a community of people. If we spent time loving our friends in authentic ways, and really cultivating deep, God-honoring, Kingdom-seeking friendships I think we would be surprised by not only the level of joy and enrichment they bring to our lives, but also how much wholeness we can bring into a marriage and our ministries. I am fortunate in my own life to have experienced more than one really amazing, fulfilling, edifying, redemptive, and life giving friendship. God has shown me so much of Himself through them, and I would be a fool to think that He wouldn't show me Himself until I was married. I know that marriage can be a reflection of the relationship of Christ and the Church, but very few of them are that way. It can be, but so can unconditionally loving non-marital relationships too. I would also venture to say that because marriage is in a covenant there is a different level of trust that you can have in a friendship, so it is almost more risky at times to really invest in friendships because people can bow out at any moment. But that is sacrificial love, loving no matter what you get or don't get out of it.

Now those are some of the things I am learning and loving that I'm learning. I want to share briefly my thoughts on my own principles and how God is speaking to me currently, because He has been very direct with me!

1. I eventually want to be married. This is a true statement, however if I don't get married I know I will be okay. God has proven His provision over and over again, and I am not waiting to get married. I am living, I am listening to God, I am trying to be obedient in every area of my life, and I am letting Him refine me into the kind of person that He wants me to be and is ready for His Kingdom. I want to love Him, love those around me, and invite others into the radical, incredible, difficult, and passionate adventure that it is to follow Christ.

2. Believe God knows my desires. My desires are for far more than marriage. I desire to have intimacy with Him, my Creator. I desire to be loved for who I am by those around me. I desire to have relationships that reflect the Kingdom of God and His beauty. I desire to be joyful and content in Him. I desire for children to always be around me. I desire to taste and see creation. I desire to be free and I desire to only fear the Lord and nothing else. I desire to see Christ in the world that I live in. I desire peace and I desire justice.

3. I should be content in Him first. Contentment means that I will be satisfied in the knowledge of God here on earth-that is far different than fulfillment. I will never be fulfilled on this earth, that will only happen when Jesus' Kingdom comes and I am with Him. There will always be a level of discontentment, so to think that I will be fully content in Him on earth is a myth. I can only have my eye set on the Hope that is to come.

4.I won't compromise my standards. No one is going to tell me I have too high of standards. I would rather be single the rest of my life than compromise. God has high standards for me, why shouldn't I want the best? I know I am not perfect, but I will not sell myself short. It is so not worth it.

5. I won't have sex outside of marriage. I think if most of single Christian gals were honest with ourselves sometimes we just want to have sex. Who doesn't? We were created for it, and since we don't get married at 13 anymore it makes sense that there is a level of sexual frustration by the time we reach our late 20's. The thing that makes me the most sad is that so many people I know compromise what they really want for themselves because its easier to just give into our physical desires. And yes, they are temporarily satisfying. But is messes with our minds and hearts and deceives us. The heart is so deceptive, and I know mine can be as well. So as far as any physical boundaries-mine are very strong and firm. Maybe that seems prudish, but I know myself and it's not worth letting my heart mess up my mind because of a few fleeting moments of sensuality with a man who isn't committed to me in a covenant.

6. I trust Him. Here's the deal-God told me in prayer and worship a year ago not to date or even entertain the thought of dating for two years. He wants my heart to be so focused on Him that it doesn't even think about the possibility of dating. I said yes to that, and I have been amazed at the road He has led me down. Currently I am learning so much about myself, about truly Christ-like love, refinement, and so much more. I am extremely thankful for this journey, as hard as it's proving to be. It has been one year since God has called me to this specific place of not dating or even thinking about dating, and it has had its ups and downs. There was a time last spring I was pretty mad about it, but God gently reminded me of His faithfulness to me and and His faithfulness to my heart's needs in the past. I recommitted to His call in this season. This past fall it has been very easy, and I am thankful for the focus I have on God, for the ways He's speaking to me, for the things I am able to do as a single woman right now. I honestly love the life God has gifted me with, and I have so much joy in His promises and provision. I am excited about living His Kingdom!!

Community is key. I am so blessed to have little ones that love me, zealous young people I mentor, committed friends around my age to invest in me, wise mentors who share their life with me and invite me to see their marriages, people my parents age who pour life and truth and encouragement into me, and such a great community of faithful followers who I can share meals with, serve with, worship with, and pray with. I can tell you that I honesty have times of being lonely-but it's not necessarily because I don't have a husband. I think it's the longing for someone to know and understand the very depth of me, the soul of me, to love all of who I am. Only God can do that perfectly, and He provides people to give me tastes of that. Even if I am married someday I am sure I will still experience that loneliness when I feel misunderstood or my husband isn't meeting my needs the way I want. In those times of loneliness it is sometimes necessary to surrender it to God and let Him speak to me, it is sometimes necessary to call a faithful friend and be comforted, it is sometimes necessary to experience the hurt and sorrow of that feeling and lean on the hope that we will feel complete someday in Christ. I can say that the times when I feel a pang of jealousy for marriage is when I am seeing couples whom I know well and really respect their marriage. I desire a marriage like theirs, and that pang comes from I think wanting to experience God in a new way, in that covenant of marriage. It isn't so much a longing to just be married, it is the what God brings in that.

The last thing that has changed for me is how I view dating. Dating just to date isn't for me, and I have decided that I am not going to entertain the thought of going out with someone unless they have come through my community first. As of now, my community, the ministry that is happening around me, where I have my hands, is what is most important to me and where I believe God has me. Unless that changes, the man that comes around for me must go through them, experience the community, be a part of the ministry, and if he gets the approval of some cherished people in my life only then will I pursue getting to know someone further. Maybe that will change, but as of now that's what I am committed too. It is very clear to me that I couldn't do what I am doing now, as God has called me, very well if I was married. I also would be horrible at marriage right now anyway because there is so much internal work that God is bringing up.

So, no I am not dating,
No, I am not waiting for a husband.
No, I don't necessarily expect to get married.
Someday, I would like to be married.
My life is SO not focused on marriage! It is so much more than that! And I hope and pray, that if you are married that you are seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness together. I hope and pray that if you are dating that you are seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness together, and the person you are dating is as well. If you are single, seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. For all of us-be in community! If you are married, invite single friends to dinner. If you are single, find a mentor, get invested with people who have Godly and authentic marriages. Share life, in all stages. That is how the body works together. God is so good to meet our desires-and He knows our desires better than we know them, as ultimately they are for Himself.

Seek Him Seek Him Seek Him. He is faithful.

Ghetto

I get annoyed when people use the word Ghetto. The term comes from the segregation of Jewish people pre-WWII, originally in Venice. It has now come to mean pretty much anything that is run down, broke up, high crime, scary, etc. I know that is has become slang and not given a second thought in our culture, and even used as a description to describe a style-like someone is "ghettofabulous" or whatever. But it still bothers me. I hear all the time, wherever I go, whatever state I am in, about the places that I should not go. The bad parts of town, the sketchy parts, the ghetto. Don't go there, be careful driving through there, it's "third world" there, etc. If I hear one more person talk about a place in that way I am going to scream.

Now, in Minnesota I had never been to North Minneapolis until about 5 years ago-never even heard of it. It is labeled as "the ghetto." I was warned in college, I remember, not go to on Lake street. (Which is in south Minneapolis.) That is practically laughable now-I am there all the time. But the fact that I had a warning about that makes me wonder why. I hear people talk all the time about North Mpls and how it's too dangerous, it's the hood, lock your doors, don't even drive through it, etc. Now I live there...so obviously I'm biased. But I have learned a few things, and enough things to make me have a little righteous indignation about this whole "ghetto" concept.

People label what they don't know. People fear what they don't know. I think in all honesty that because North Minneapolis is predominately black and Lake Street is full of every culture-people label it as dangerous and scary and ghetto. I know whats in the papers, and I know more crime does go down....but on a day to day bases, just walking around in the neighborhood, it is very normal. I admit I had apprehensions, felt really uncomfortable, and was nervous at times. But that is ENTIRELY because I was living out of the fears of my stereotypes, I was not used to being the minority, and I had a lot of baggage in my head from media to sort through. After living here for almost 3 years, it is now my normal. Because it is normal, the fear is gone. It took awhile, but still.

Okay now to get to why I get so mad. Why do Christians, of all people, avoid places that people call the ghetto?!? It seriously is making me very upset lately. Jesus spent his ministry on the streets, hanging out with the oppressed and the people who who were put out by the majority culture. Christians are the last people to be avoiding these places! How are we to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, proclaim freedom to the oppressed, and release the chains of injustice if we never set foot in the "scary" places, if we don't know anyone's story????

Okay don't get me wrong, I know it is not everyone's calling to live in a ghettoized area. I believe God called me to live in North Minneapolis, and that is why I am here. But I pray against self righteousness because of it, and I pray I only find my identity in Him and not in what I do here. But it is outrages to me that we live in a country that ghettos exist and Christians don't care. That Christ followers choose to avoid places because they are supposedly unsafe for them. Who is going to make these places disappear? I believe it is our job as Christians-because how can we be truly free if our brothers and sisters who live but a few miles from us are not?!?

You may not be called to live in these places, but please don't make it worse by contributed to the segregation. Why are these areas like that? Who lives there? Where are the resources? What are the solutions? Choose to be part of the solution!!! You don't have to move there to do it. But for heavens sake-how do we send money thousands of miles away to poor countries of children we don't know when there are children 5 miles from us who are lacking???

So please, don't tell me not to go somewhere because it's dangerous. First it will make me mad, second I will most likely go there just to prove a point. And that is just arrogant of me. (Remember how I don't want to be arrogant???) And if you do-tell me why it is the way it is, what makes it dangerous, and your first hand experience with it. Unless you can do those things, I just don't think it is appropriate to label something you don't know anything about.

American. American?

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be “American”-and these thoughts are not concise, but it is what’s going on in my mind. In general, white equates to American. That is strange in many senses, considering that everyone who is “white” isn’t from America.

What I do and relate to culturally doesn’t necessarily come from a place of my “American culture.” I look over the ways I grew up and what I connect myself to and that, for example, looks like being Catholic-that isn’t “American”-that is being 4th generation Irish. Also, I am connected to the evangelical covenant church. That isn’t American, that is being 4th generation Swedish. I have spent much time overcoming being passive aggressive-which in a sense comes from being Scandinavian. Does my dad’s Irish side of the family drink way more alcohol than the Swedish side? Yes. Are they louder and more in your face? Yes. Am I loud sometimes and a little brash? Probably. Is that because I am American? That’s not what I am told. It is because of my ethnic heritage, 4 generations removed from me but still coloring the perspectives I have and traditions I keep. What are the “American” values I have? Opportunity. Freedom. Valuing upward mobility, education, and a stable career. Rugged individualism. Me, myself, and I. Thinking MY choices are MINE alone. The dream-2 kids, a good job, and a big house. (Some of these values I have had to learn to reject that are uniquely American, and others that I am thankful for.)

Now do these characteristics make me “white?” Over time the meaning of white-which originally I believe was meaning you were of European decent, has been greatly skewed over time. Since the construct of “race” is actually a made up entity by man, it is subject to man’s interpretation-the man that created it. The white man. So you can look over history and see multiple times where it is totally relative-like how the individual states could determine whether you were white or black depending on your heritage. You could literally cross a state line and change races.

So it is easy to conclude that white no longer means European decent-white means the position of power and privilege in this country. Even if you are not American on your passport, and you come to America looking “white” you are given a place of power because of the systems that are in place here.

Therefore, by stating that I am white, I am proclaiming a place of privilege, a place of being the majority person in almost every setting I go to, never afraid of being oppressed because of my physical appearance, and knowing that I have pretty much every opportunity afforded to me. I won’t be discriminated against, spoken rudely to, not given the benefit of the doubt-I know that blonde hair and blue eyes gets me places, it assumes I am safe, relatable, and trustworthy. Now if I state I am Swedish, Irish, and Cszech-you may assume I look blonde and blue eyed, but you probably have a little bit of a deeper understanding of who I am because you have a general idea of that ethnic background.

Side story-when I was in Kenya and talking to a friend who was Kenyan about tribal groups she asked me if we had tribes. At first I though no, we are all just mixed up. Then I told her that Native American people had tribes, but it is separate from American culture (and basically either exploited or exoticized). But then I thought about all the different people groups that came to America in the beginning and stayed somewhat together in the beginning-there were pockets of Irish, polish, German, Swedes, etc….and in the earlier 1900’s they were pretty segregated-mostly because they still spoke their native language and probably worshiped together and lived in larger than immediate family groups. But the point is that even though there weren’t ‘tribes” they came together because of common interest, language, traditions, and beliefs in a new land. It helped them to adjust and find their rootings. Well obviously people began to intermarry and now people in my generation are usually a mix of 3 or more heritages. Sometimes you can tell by looks, but sometimes we have no idea.

So now we are in a new wave of immigrants, lots of refugees, people trying to find better opportunities, etc. We are segregated into “tribal groups” in a sense. So when you are born here, then do you become American? Or do you become white? Is white American? I think some people would say it used to be….but not anymore. If I went to Ireland and someone asked me where I was from I wouldn’t say Ireland. I would say America-because my culture is American. I wouldn’t say my background was white, I would say it’s Irish-but I’m American. So now I am navigating through terms, which gets weird, but I try to be conscious of talking about nationality and ethnicity rather than “race” words. But if I were black in America I would have to distinguish that I was African American….because if American is white I have to distinguish from white American and I would have to say African. But that gets hairy too because historically not all non-pale colored skin came from Africa, some are from the Caribbean or Puerto Rico or south America, etc. So now what?.

The first time I heard the term European American was at Sanctuary Covenant Church, and I have been pondering it ever since. In processing through my so called “whiteness” the last few years I feel as though that is the best term to describe myself ethnically and nationally speaking, especially if we are still going to say African American. Otherwise in my opinion, everyone born here should just be Americans-and by that terminology there should come an understanding that someone in your family line wasn’t native to America, but you are here now and reflecting in some sense an American culture.

I am in a weird place because I reject parts of Americanism that are not in line with the Kingdom of God….I reject consumerism, individualism, and materialism. I reject the injustice this country was built upon. I reject the oppression that has been the heartbeat of America. I reject the fact that blazing injustice still is present in everyday life in America and there isn’t repentance of systems and corporations and churches and denominations and historians and people groups. Those are the characteristics that tend to be white America. I reject it because I embrace the gospel of Christ that reconciles. But the tension within me would say that I reject white America. I am white America. But I am not. I will not contribute to a system that I have benefited from and I will not use the label that society gives me as a white person for privilege. But what am I? I embrace that God planted me here, and that my great grandparents were in Europe and lived a life there with beautiful aspects of their culture. I embrace those things that I know. I embrace the Catholicism and the covenant church deeply rooted in me. I am Irish. I am Czech, I am Swedish. I love having blonde hair and blue eyes. God made me 6 feet tall with a strong body and rosy cheeks and a nose that goes more out than in. I love it. I am that. And I am American. I am Minnesotan. I have freedom and democracy and voting rights and religious freedom and I can speak up for myself and go where I please and say who I am voting for without fear. I am American.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about being proud of where you come from. It seems to be pretty okay today if you are black to say that you are proud to be black. In this conversation we talked about how the black community has been oppressed for so long and stripped of an identity that making a statement of being black and proud is reclaiming that identity as a black person, whatever that means for you and in your family-it will be different for many. But what if I said I am white and I’m proud? To me that is a little…strange. A little arrogant maybe. Why? That is because of what I feel that you say when you say you are white. It is a declaration of privilege, of benefits, of being part of a oppressive system whether you like it or not. Even when people say they are proud to be an American, I have to admit it irks me a little. But it is because of those aspects of American culture and life that I told you I reject earlier. But I cannot deny that I am American whether I like it or not. European American to be more specific.

I have had to work on finding the balance of all of this, and really be able to fully embrace who God created me to be and know that my identity is Christ and I am made in His image. We are image bearers before we are any nationality. Or ethnicity.

I often listen to a radio show that is primarily for a black audience. They speak a lot of taking pride in being black, and embracing the black community, etc. I can only be a bystander, no matter how close I am to people who are black. They will be and I will not be. So I can support, be happy for that identity they have, but I cannot be that. I have to embrace what I have. Its weird sometimes to want to know and understand a culture, but yet embracing your own and navigating between the two. If I were black in this country and was not able to feel, embrace, and be proud of the skin color God put me in, I would be devastated and probably really confused. I will never understand what that could be like. If I was black in America and was always in the “out” group, never fully felt at home because of the lack of things afforded to me, lack of people who looked like my in books and on tv and in the government-there would always be a sense of disconnect with being born “American” but not being able to fully be culturally American. It would create a sort of dichotomy in who I was I would imagine. So to live in a day where you start to see a change….in tv and government, and in being to join together with other people that look like you and embrace yourselves and love yourselves for exactly who you are is a very beautiful thing.

I sometimes get a funny little feeling in the pit of my stomach, having a deeper understanding and empathy for the black community and minority groups, but also a sense of not belonging in a weird way. I can’t articulate myself very well on this topic, but it is just my honest thoughts that I have been processing through.
I think its strange that we have to check boxes to define us-to make sure we have the correct label. There usually is a box for “other” which is what I have been checking lately. In a way that is one way I feel uniquely called by God. To be other. To have an undoing of the constructs I grew up in and under. Rejecting the dirt, embracing the beauty. Finding my identity solely in Christ-which means embracing where he put me and my lineage. I wonder if the gentiles felt a little confused sometimes. But I think that by reading acts and Pentecost we can see Gods heart for his kingdom-that it transcends every culture, language….it is bigger than that. Not even a wiping away of it, just embracing. Thriving in who He created us to be in all our glorious diversity. I have to cling to that knowledge otherwise I make myself crazy….

Historical reflections...

I just finished reading "The Soul of Black Folk" by W.E.B. DuBois. I was interested in it because of the historical perspective I could gain from DuBois as well as learning more about the southern landscape post civil war/emancipation days. Below are three sections that really stood out to me because of the remnants I see of it in today's society that continue to stand in the way of racial reconciliation. (This book was written in 1903)

"Now it happens that both master and man have just enough argument on their respective sides to make it difficult for hen to understand each other. The Negro dimly personifies in the white man all his ill and misfortunes; if he is poor, it is because the white man seizes the fruit of his toil; if he is ignorant, it is because the white man seizes the fruit of his toil; if he is ignorant, it is because the white man gives him neither time nor facilities to learn; and. indeed, if any misfortunes happens to him, it is because of some hidden machinations of "white folks." On the the other hand, the masters and the masters' sons have never been able to see why the Negro, instead of settling down to be day-laborers for bread and clothes, are infected with a silly desire to rise in the world, and why they are sulky, dissatisfied, and careless, there their fathers were happy and dumb and faithful."

"I am becoming more and more convinced, as I look upon the system of common-school training in the South that the national government must soon step in the aid popular efforts on the part of the thinking men of the South that the Negro's share of the school fund has now been cut down to a pittance in some half-dozen States, and that movement not only is dead, but in many communities is gaining strength. What in the name of reason does this nation expect of a people, poorly trained and hard pressed in severe economic competition, without political rights, and with ludicrously inadequate common-school facilities? What can it expect but crime and listlessness, offset here and there by the dogged struggles of the fortunate and more determined who are themselves buoyed by the hope that in due time the country will come to its senses?"

"Now if one notices carefully one will see that between these two worlds, despite much physical contact and daily intermingling, there is almost no community of intellectual life or point of transference where the thoughts and feelings of one race can come into direct contact and sympathy with the thoughts and feelings of the other.....They go to separate churches, they live in separate sections, they are strictly separated in all public gatherings, they travel separately, and they are beginning to read different papers and books....it is usually true that the very representatives of the tow races, who for mutual benefit and the welfare of the and ought to be in complete understanding and sympathy, are so far stranger that one side thinks all whites are narrow and prejudiced, and the other things educated Negroes dangerous and insolent."

Gramma

My Grandma was a beautiful woman. Lillian Egina Matilda Hajicek (Wahman) Born on April 10, Good Friday, 1914. She died a week ago on April 30th, 2011. I have only had one set of grandparents my whole life, so she was and is very important to me. Since I grew up living close to her, I was able to see her often and now I can cherish so many sweet memories I have with her.

She was so even tempered all the time, very patient, graceful, natural, carried herself well, and engaging. Qualities I desire for myself. I was always proud to be with her, whether at church or helping at the nursing home, even at her last assisted living place. She is the type of person that exudes joy and contentment. When you were with her you felt at ease and peaceful. Near the end of her life, truly it was well with her soul.

I feel a closeness to her for many reasons, but some of the things that stand out to me as I reflect upon her life is what she did with her life. She went to college, first of all, and then helped to start what is now Maplewood Covenant Cnurch-by taking the streetcar all the way across town! When she met my grampa she didn't fall over for him, in fact she wasn't even sure about him-he had to pursue her and then her heart softened to him. Then they had a farm together with his family for I think about 10 year until she even had children. I just love her life. I think we would have been friends if we had grown up together :)

As a child her house was the best place to be. Full of adventures and mystery, comfort and home. I loved when we ate leftover cold fried chicken for lunch, with cloth napkins in those cute little wooden napkin rings. I loved dipping my finger in her honey jar and finding the sugar lumps in a small porcelain dish...and never being scolded. She built tents for me with the folding table, we made cookies and the Swedish Duppa, she taught me to crochet. Multiple times. We played games, she taught me how to use a computer believe it or not, and there were so many paper dolls at her house. Sleeping over at her house was so wonderful. I always wondered how she and grampa could each take about 20 vitamins in the morning. But I liked sharing breakfast with them, and I liked her putting me to bed. I loved the sound of her voice reading to me. She would play hymns and sing, and so many hymns I sing now I sing because she first taught my mother and then me.

When I was at camp, she wrote me letters. She even typed some with her typewriter! She was always extremely encouraging to me and I looked to her for spiritual leadership, not necessarily with words but just in her life. Her and my grampa laid a beautiful faith foundation for generations to come. When I think of her, I think of how much she loved the Lord and was devoted to Him. How impactful that love is as it carries down the line of family.

I feel so much love inside of me when I think of her. She was such a constant in my life, that even as she faded away in her short term memory I still found comfort in knowing she was here with me. Now that she is gone, I think of her smiles, her wit that she didn't try to have, her affection towards me, and how loved I felt by her all the time. I really felt so much peace with her. As she grew older and drew neared to her true Home, she often asked the question why she was still living when she didn't contribute anymore. I also told her she contributed just by being alive with me. But as she went on 3+ years of asking that, I began to see and understand her longing to be done with her earthly body that was failing. She lived such a full life, 97 years, of serving and loving the Lord. Him walking faithfully with her and her faithfully walking with Him. That is so inspiring, and knowing that He took her home swiftly and peacefully is beautiful, and makes me love Him more seeing a life lived so well. I have a strange contentment deep in my spirit about her dying, and I feel a sadness of not being able to reach to her-but I feel like that comfort that comes with knowing Christ is palpable when I think of her. Her peace and contentment compels me towards my Savior, and I think that is what our lives should do. Draw others into the peace that passes all of our understandings.

I read this scripture at her funeral (in the middle Aleeya yelled out "Jesus!" by the way) and I think it is absolutely fitting. It is how she lived her life, and the legacy she passes on to future generations.

A psalm. For giving grateful praise. (Psalm 100)

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Operation Hip Hop

Last week Urban Jerusalem, the church I am a part of, hosted its first ever national Hip Hop conference. The mission of the conference was "To Educate, Encourage and Empower church leaders, social workers, youth workers, musical artists, and others to successfully engage Hip Hop Culture" focusing on Ephesian 4:12 where is says "So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up."

We had worship services, concerts, workshops, and networking hours with a variety of Hip Hop artists performing and teaching as well as people on the front lines of ministries teaching workshops and speaking at our general assemblies. There was an incredible line up of speakers, including Pastor Phil Jackson, Pastor Elwood Jones, Urban D, Stacey Jones, and Efrem Smith. Our two featured guest artists were Mahogany Jones and Kaboose-who are so talented and humble.

I was never introduced to Hip Hop until about 3 years ago when I started going to Urban Jerusalem, and since then I have been learning about this culture that I never really knew existed. I have some great teachers, as well as read a few interesting books. In a nut shell Hip Hop began in the 70's in New York City really as a way for young people to creatively deal with the oppression and injustices going on post-civil rights movement. Starting out as block parties, it gradually made its way to radio and with the advancement of technology the rest is history. The interesting thing to me is that Hip Hop is really its own subculture and has a rich history in the fabric of America, however the mainstream forms of Hip Hop that we see in the media give us a very poor representation of a culture that actually has very positive and healing roots. That being said, I have learned to appreciate the culture as well as worship through the elements of Hip Hop and therefore understand the importance of this conference.

We were very proud of how the first conference went; we had just under a hundred people registered and saw a variety of people come in and out for the free concerts. Our speakers were from all over the US and we hope to reach even further out in registrants next year as this was the only conference of its kind besides Flavorfest in Florida. The conference not only did its job in educating and equipping leaders in ministries and the church, but provided a very unique place for artists to connect and find support with each other. So often people who minister, especially not in the mainstream ways, get burnt out because they have no support. Urban Jerusalem really seeks to provide that support and I think greatly accomplished the goal through this conference. It also provided a platform for young and new artists to showcase their skills and get good feedback.

Now me, not being a Hip Hop artist (obviously), have a unique perspective being sort of an inside/outsider. It was really wonderful for me to see the fruit of the labor as I watched people interact, learn, and engage with each other. I can't even begin to start talking about the speakers and the worship sessions, they were incredible. (And relevant to anyone who is seeking the Kingdom of God, not just Hip Hoppers!) Here is the most humbling part of the thing, and what God is working on me a lot for: Stacey Jones, the pastor of Urban Jerusalem, had a vision for the whole thing and Tryenyse, his wife, encouraged him not to sit on what God had told him to do. He wrote down the vision this past January, and 3 short months later it happened. I will admit I was so sceptical when Stacey first shared with me this vision. I thought to myself there is no way a conference of this capacity can possibly happen in 3 months. My practical mind thought of all the ins and outs, and I especially doubted the financial aspect of it all.

Stacey doesn't work that way-he really moves in faith, trusting that God doesn't operate in our practical minds but beyond them. He was obedient to what God told Him to do and stepped forward not letting the seemingly large obstacles hold back what God wanted him to do. It is a testimony to me of the radical trust God calls us to. He gives all sorts of dreams and visions to advance His Kingdom and manifest His Love in this world, but how often do we let fear get in the way? Practicalities? Finances? Others opinions? Isn't God so much bigger than all of that?? Yes we should be wise, yes we should be diserning and seek council with others, but part of the faith we profess is not just believing in God but acting as God calls us to. That is not just living a life set apart, but living a missional life in this world listening to the voice of God as He leads us. The visions He gives us may not make any sense at all! I cannot let that get in the way, and this conference was a beautiful testimony of moving in faith and letting God work out the details.

The other things is this: This conference is to reach a hip hop culture, a culture that is often rejected from the church. But the message is the same for all. We need to equip one another within the church to go out of the church to serve, love, and invite all into the love that Christ offers. But as Stacey teaches, we must be radical, relevant, and relational. If your passion is Hip Hop, great, but if it is not, pick something! Learn about the culture, be a part of it, engage, grow, relate. Let the love of Christ flow through you as your throw off the lense you grew up with and put on the broad lense of the inclusive Kingdom of God that is offered to all nations, tribes, and people groups.

The Children.

I have been overwhelmed with joy in the past 3.5 years for the children that have come into my life. Most people know I am quite maternal and have always loved kids, and have always been so excited to have my own. Obviously that is not in the near future, and I have become more than okay with that because of the delightful children that fill my life up daily. It is funny to me because I used to say that if I wasn't married by the time I was 30 then I would adopt. Well for heaven's sake 30 is only 3 years away and it is not old at all! I think I was just wanting kids in my life that it seemed to long wait-but God has taken me by complete surprise with the kids that he's given me through friends and my sister! I am so in love with them, and they satisfy my desire for children beyond what I can express. I am going to highlight each of them and why they are delightful in my sight.

Aleeya Lily, my sister's daughter. Born February 23rd 2009.

She is incredible. Full of life, silliness, stubborness, and resilience. She laughs at her self, makes my sister and I laugh with her sayings, and is so completely bursting with personality. She loves to be outside, and is my running and hiking partner, and will go swimming at any moment. Her words are so funny because they are a mix of spanish and english, and she can't say her "s's" and her "d's" are usually replaced with a "y" sound. (She calls me "Hi-yee") When she sees me, she comes running, and gives me a big hug around the neck. She lets me braid her hair and give her big smooches all over her face. She mimics those around her, so her expressions are hilarious. She is beautiful and my heart bursts with joy for her. Often when I come to see her she screams and yells out of excitment. That is what Im doing on the inside!

Lucia Susan, my friend Stefanie's daughter. Born July 26th, 2007.



Lucie is my twin. We have the same personality-she is so excited about life, jumps from one thing to the next, is very much a lover and cuddler, and is beyond hyper at times. Whenever I come to see her the love she gives me is beyond words-always a bounding hug that is with her whole and doesn't let go until she's kissed at least 3 times. She is becoming a beautiful little lady and it is been amazing to watch her grow. She is headstrong and passionate, and will do anything with me. From adventures, to dress up, to dancing, to princesses, to just making silly faces and taking picture after picture. She knows just what I need to feel completely loved by her, and she doesn't even know it yet!

Sofia Marie, Stefanie's second daughter. Born January 17th, 2009.


Sofia is a gentle spirit full of love. She is incredible smart and her voice is the sweetest. She learned to talk and to sing and never fails to make me giggle with her pronounciation of words like a little proper lady. She will patiently sit in my lap, snuggle in, and just be. She loves books and has the attention span to actually learn and memorize all her favorites. She has a quiet way about her, and I love to watch her learn, explore her world, and follow her big sister around. She lets me shower her with affection and gives it right back.

Elisa Vianne, Stefanie's third. Born December 6th, 2010.


Elsie is the newest, and we still can't figure out if she will look like a Sofie or a Lucie. I experienced her giggle for the first time yesterday, as we looked in the mirror and made faces at eachother. Her soft cheek next to mine was so sweet, and I am so excited to watch her grow.

Priest Braxton, Tryenyse and Stacey's son. Born September 9th, 2006.

Priest is the only one I haven't known since birth. I met him, I think, when he was around 6-9 months-I can't remember if I met him spring or summer of 2007. Either way he was a cute little baby. I really started spending time with him when he was around 2 and a half. He is the most articulate, self aware 4 year old you'll ever meet. We have such wonderful times, going go the beach, the park, the library, sledding, all sorts of adventures! I have the luxury of living a few blocks away, so we spend lots of time playing trains, running errands, baking, going to coffee shops-whatever it may be! He is so lovely, and my favorite moments with him are bedtime. He loves to read, quote scripture, and sing before he falls asleep. His favorite for me to sing is "Somewhere over the rainbow" and I love singing it to him! Sometimes he tells me that he thinks my heart is beautiful, and man that is the best. I say that he is my best date yet.

These are my children, whom I love, and bring my great joy. I am so thankful that God knows the desires of our hearts, and He will satisfy them in ways we could not have imagined!

Difficultly of Grace.

As I get older, I appreciate the ways I have grown in wisdom and experiences-and because of that much of the ways I interact with people gets easier, as well as dealing with difficult situations, people at work, conflicts, etc. I am so thankful that I have reached a point of self-awareness and self-assured-ness to get through these situations gracefully. In that respect, however, I find two things to be more difficult. As I mentioned in my last post, asking for help is something I constantly have to work on and learn from. I am learning this in the context of living in community and with the hopes of always staying in a community that is supportive of one another in the area of needs and resources. So I know it is something I will constantly need to be growing and be held accountable too.

The other thing I find very challenging is forgiveness. Not forgiving others, but being forgiven. It's not too hard to accept an apology and move on from folks mistakes. We are human, it happens, and ultimately God forgives-so must I. I am finding that being forgiven by someone else is an awfully uncomfortable feeling. I think when I was younger and in college even, we often glossed over things or didn't fully express when there was a problem. I can only think of a few examples of having to apologize to someone or vice-versa, and usually it was some sort of mutual exchange because of a misunderstanding of something.

I'd also like to think I am someone who doesn't intentionally hurt people, or say things that are going to require an apology. Looking back I realize there are times I have been too careless with words and probably owe people an apology-however either I wasn't in close enough friendship with them to express their hurt, or they didn't feel comfortable disclosing their own feelings of hurt to bring it up directly to me.

Now, as I enter into closer relationships with people and in intentional community with people, I find that we must continually have strength as individuals to come in freedom and express our hurts, miscommunications, frustrations, etc with others and know that we will be okay if it is not received well. Just as I am learning to be okay with expressing this, I have to be willing to receive others feelings in the same way. I think this is especially true if we are going to conquer societal divisions such as race, class, and even theology.

Bringing me to my point: When I make a mistake or say something hurtful, intentional or not, I have to be willing to bring my sincere apologies without explaining them away. I think that because I am not intentionally trying to hurt or offend, if someone gets hurt/offended/irriated/whatever I better make my case so they know it wasn't my intention. I am coming to think that is the wrong attitude to have. I need to apologize, and that is all I can do. If i am sincere, and the person truly knows and trusts my character, then I need to be secure enough to be able to apologize and have that be enough. If they choose not to accept, then that is that. My experience so far is that I am always forgiven. The strange part is, I feel sick all day and really have a hard time accepting the apology without feeling like I want to explain explain explain, and then wanting affirmation that I am okay. But when I think of the forgiveness modeled from God our Father-all he requires of us is the sincere confession out of a pure heart, and He forgives. Simple as that. Why is it so hard in our human relationships?

I have been praying that God will let me experience His grace more profoundly than I ever have, and I am beginning to see that He can show it to me in my blunders with human relationships. I need to practice constant humility, have the strength to always apologize, and to be secure enough to be of little words and much listening.

Help is Okay.

One of the biggest things I have been learning since moving to North Minneapolis and entering into intentional communities, is asking for help. I naturally have a self righteous tendency to not want help, not want anyone to offer me a favor, or anything of the like. This goes for a wide variety of things-from just getting help fixing something to asking for prayer to evening receiving something as simple as a back massage.

Anyway, it is something I am aware of and working on-and have had some good experiences in the past week to affirm that this is an area of my life where I need a lot of growth. I had a conversation with two of my mentors in the area of finance. I needed some sound advice and discernment from people who understand the practical and spiritual, and understand me and my life. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but most of the conversation ended up being about me being able to except the help of someone who loaned me money. I didn't realize how much guilt and weight I was feeling around that, and my faithful friends helped me to see how if we are truly trying to live a Kingdom centered life, then we are going to have to depend on one another. God desires for us to be connected and a community, and it is not possible to do this living in isolation. Even though I know that this person doesn't have any strings attached to this loan, and is lovingly let me pay on my own terms, I still have to overcome my natural feelings to let her give to me in this way. It takes me understanding that she knows the Spirit in me and can give out of the Spirit in her. That is the body of Christ.

After that conversation (which was a lot deeper than that, but that's the gist) I was able to experience community lived out in my neighborhood. I have to say I love Minnesota, especially the snow, and I think that it brings out the neighborlyness in people. (usually!) Anyway, I tried to plow out (in my little Saturn) of the end of my alley and got totally stuck. Overcoming my first instinct, I decided to knock on the alley-neighbor's door and ask for help. A friend, who is latino, came out to help me shovel. Soon we asked his mother to come out and help, who happens to only speak spanish. After that didn't work a man, who is black, pulled up to help push with his van. After he successfully pushed me back another neighbor came out of his house, who's accent told me he is clearly from another country, to help shovel. After all of this, I got out and we all cheered. How beautiful to have such a rich tapestry of people help me out, displaying the glorious design of the Creator in human beings and showing me again that it is in fact, okay to ask for help.

My pastor told me yesterday that if you are going to move into the hood you have to let people help you out. I am learning....

Sankofa

It's been a few weeks since I've gotten back from the Sankofa trip, and I would like to share as much as can about it.

On this trip through civil rights sights of the south, we are partnered with another person of a different ethnic background than ourselves. We are to journey together, eating together, going through the museums together, riding the bus together, and processing together. My partner was a woman named Deborah, in her 50's, who is of African American decent from Chicago, now living in Gary, Indiana. I was thankful to have someone older and wiser than I to journey with. I was actually one of the youngest on the trip. Everyone one else was late 30's and up to 72 I believe and a majority of folks had some sort of leadership in their church. I was more than grateful for the spiritual maturity of the group and all the wisdom that came with the years. It set a wonderful tone for our trip.

The whole experience is a whirlwind, as you meet in Chicago Thursday night, take a bus overnight to Alabama, then stay overnight in Jackson, Mississippi, then another busride overnight to Indiana from Tennessee. Then it's back to Chicago and on your way home Sunday late afternoon. Wow.

I went into the experience imagining a level of intensity that I had not experienced before, perhaps some breakdowns, and just to feel extreme emotions. After all, we watched intense movies on the bus, had open and raw communication as a group, visited civil rights museums, part of the underground railroad, and heard from folks who are were actually part of some of the marches.

After our debriefing on Sunday I felt sort of disappointed that this did not happen. I also felt unfinished in our conversation. It all happened so fast.

However, after I got home that night I sat in my bed and thought about the last 3 days. As I reflected on the events and mostly in the emotions and conversation shared among our group, I was thinking on the times in the past 3 years that I have experienced those emotions. And had those same conversations. In essence, the last 3 years of my life have seemed like a Sankofa journey. I have felt extreme emotions, I have had intense conversations, I have had often uncomfortable conversations, honest and raw, but uncomfortable. I have felt guilty, despair, hopeless. I have felt excited, honored, hopeful. I have had the immense privilege of journeying through with friends of a different ethnic background of my own.

After realizing that, my disappointment turned to gratitude as I thought of the Sankofa participants who journeyed with me, who were honest and vulnerable. Who took risks in conversation. Who let me into their lives. How else will I receive such insight, such sharing of thoughts and experience, on a subject that is too taboo to ever openly talk about without risking a relationship? I will always have the insight of my partner, who was a little girl when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated and watched tanks roll down the street in her Chicago home. I have never met someone who lived through that and shared with me her personal experience of it! That is one example of the beautiful dialog that was shared on a long bus journey together by 40 people committed to being vulnerable. It is powerful.

So let me share with you some of the places we went and talked about, and had an impact on me. Some of these links are to the story of what happened, which is more important to understand in the context of our country's history and how that still affects us today.

Birmingham, Alabama: 16th Street Baptist Church

Ingram Park

Southern Poverty Law Center This place was particularly powerful, as it talks about hate crimes and issues of injustice today.

Spencer Perkins Center This place was so hopeful to go to, to see a people that are really working towards reconciliation and community development. We also got to talk to John Perkins, which was a joy. He founded the Christian Community Development Association, which I love and learn from.

National Civil Rights Museum

SlaveHaven This was my favorite sight, the most powerful, the place that is imprinted in my mind, and where I learned the most.

Edmund Pettus Bridge

Overall, I am grateful to have had the opportunity to go on this trip. I recommend to everyone. It was a wonderful part of my journey, and I am sure God has more in store for me through it!

My friend shared a quote with me the other day from Archbishop Desmond Tutu, that beautiful describes the struggle of journeying towards racial reconciliation.

"Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing."

Story: Part 4

I struggled to find someone and place to live in North. I looked at a number of house, talked to different people, but nothing seemed to line up. I ended up deciding to live in an Urban Homeworks house, against my first instincts. It came down to it being my only option, even though I didn't want to live with 5 other people. Well, it ended up being a wonderful decision because Urban Homeworks is a fantastic organization and I learned so much being a part of it. It was a great place to grow and learn about living in the city intentionally, and provided a lot of resources and connections for me. To make a long story short, I started the Aveda Institute for cosmetology in January 2009, and continued to live in my Urban Homeworks house until August. Meanwhile I was still working for Sanctuary a little bit, substitute teaching minimally in Minneapolis Public Schools, and becoming more and more invested in Urban Jerusalem. This was formative for me for a number of reasons, but one huge one is that I was a minority at this church. As I started to invest more time, I spent more time with the Pastor (Stacey Jones) and get to know him more. We have had such crucial conversations about church, African American history and traditions pertaining to the church and just the culture in general. I have and am still learning many lessons in what it means to be a leader in a place that I have no cultural context for. I have been breaking down walls, assumptions, and personal issues I have had and not even known since serving in this church. God has done and is doing a great work in me through Urban Jerusalem and I stand in awe daily because of it.

Fast forward to August 2009-I move out of my house with 5 women and move in the the Jensen family. I have known Marque for awhile from working at the Sanctuary CDC, and just our paths crossing in many ways. He invited me to live with his family (I rent a room upstairs right there with the rest of the fam!) and I accepted, knowing that I couldn't afford my own place, I couldn't get any of my friends to move with me to North, and that this could be a fantastic opportunity. I really believe God prompted my heart prior to Marque asking me and led me against my own instincts to accept the invitation. Marque has intentionally lived in North for over 20 years with his family, has taught in the schools, founded and co-pastored a church in the community, and has dedicated his whole life to living in and among his community taking on their pains and burdens and fighting for justice alongside his brothers and sister. I greatly respect him as a man of faith, and was excited to have inside insight to how to live out the gospel in the daily ins and outs of life. What I didn't realize moving in was how valuable an experience I would receive in witnessing firsthand a healthy Godly marriage, and what a privledge I would have in mentoring their 15 year old daughter.

The beautiful part of all this is that when Marque started his church, he co-pastored with an African American man named Nate Orr. Their families meshed together as they lead a church and I know so much growth and learning took place in their relationship. When Pastor Stacey moved to Minnesota in his early 20's from Connecticut he not only lived with Marque for awhile, but also he lived with the Orr family as well. (I am not sure of the length, or details...) Stacey also pastored at their church. I also don't know all the capacities of that role, but I do know that Marque and Nate poured a lot of themselves into Stacey and they had (and have) and beautiful and dynamic friendship. Now I am living at Marque's and being mentored and poured into by Stacey-which I just feel like is so incredible because it is true generational community being lived out, and I cannot believe I get to be a part of it.

I have lived at Marque's for year now, am enjoying a really fun job at Salon on the Edge (a mile and half from our house!), serving part time at Urban Jerusalem, working a little for the CDC, and just finding more ways to be invested and serve where I live. I strive to be a learner everyday, ask questions, and never stop reading. I am convinced I am exactly where God wants me to be, and for the first time I am not looking forward but living in the present. I can't separate my faith from pursuing reconciliation and justice, and I know this is a lifelong journey. I know I have much more to learn and experience, but I am thankful for the relationships I have, for the desires of my heart that are unfolding before me, for the community that is part of who I am, and for the faithfulness of God who continues to guide the journey beyond and emotion and obstacle I encounter.

Ephesians 3 says:
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Story: Part 3

4 Significant that changed me:

1. Working with Beautiful
Beautiful was a program done by the Sanctuary Community Development Cooperation (the church's non-profit organization) that functioned as an after school program for middle school girls. It helped develop a sense of identity, promoted positive self esteem, helped the girls dream about their futures, get homework help, and basically just empower them in who they are as young, primarily African American girls living in North Minneapolis. ( I think I mentioned this in my previous post) Anyway, as I started the fall committing to 3 days a week, two hours a day, I was hesitant in how it would go. But I stuck with in the entire school year, and in brief what happened was this: I learned. I learned to be patient. I learned that trust takes time, that relationships will develop with consistency. I learned that I did have something to bring to the table, and that above all I needed to stay true to who I am. I learned about a different culture-I learned family values, I learned norms, I learned family values, I learned more about the fabric of North Minneapolis because I was entering into relationship with it. I learned to listen, and to ask questions. What happened changed me, challenged me, and pushed me beyond my own comfort. It moved beyond after school and homework, and went to movie nights and mall dates. I saw homes and siblings. I heard fights and tears. Struggles and joys.

2. I started taking a class called City Matters while I was working with Beautiful, sponsored also by the Sanctuary CDC. It is a teaching and discussion group, 8 weeks, that talks about issues of race, poverty, location, culture, and justice in the city. We explored these topics, watched videos, read material, and learned so much. My eyes were completely opened in a new way, I was challenged more than I ever have been, and I could feel my whole perspective and worldview being shifted. I left each class in awe, in confusion, passionate, frustrated, sad, excited....wondering what was going to happen. The part that was significant for me was the fact that I was learning all these things about injustice, the whys, racial disparities, etc-all while experiencing it firsthand with the girls in Beautiful. One class in particular we talked about how the economy in North Minneapolis is bad because the dollar doesn't stay there-people work and shop outside of its walls, and there is so much rental properties and people living month to month that all the money just goes right back out. I thought to myself that I cannot afford to put money into programs/schools/etc. on the northside, but if I moved there, I could shop there, and my money that I bring in would go into the neighborhood. I also was wrestling with the fact that after I left Beautiful each day, and this class, I drove back to my cute apartment in a nice area of St Paul away from all the issues. It was then that I felt God starting to convict my heart to move to North Minneapolis.

3. I asked Tryenyse, who was the leader of Beautiful, on day over soup and coffee if she would want to hang out more intentionally, on a regular basis, in a more mentorship sort of way. Funny at the time I was nervous to ask her, but we had been seeing each other regularly at Beautiful, sometimes we drove together, and sometimes we talked about the class over coffee. I felt a sort of connection to her and really desired her wisdom in my life. She of responded very enthusiastically to my request and of course I was very excited! That was in August of 2008. Since then we have had a beautiful, intentional, and multi-level friendship that has blessed me beyond words. I have since became sort of "adopted" into their family and spend countless hours doing ministry with her, her husband Stacey, and their son Priest. It has been a safehaven to hash out any questions or frustrations I have, a place to be honest about race and culture, about faith, about anything. Stacy and Tryenyse have a church called Urban Jerusalem:The City of Peace, that I began to attend on occasion at that time as well. (Ill talk about that later.) Little did I know the immense impact they would have in my life. All I can say is as I was sitting at church, listening to Tryenyse and Stacey lead hip-hop worship, I knew God was telling me to seek out friendship with Tryenyse. I am so glad I listened.

4. During all this change, growth, and learning I had a lot of "alone" time. I sought out time to be quiet before the Lord and listen for His voice. I learned so much in this time. He wanted me to find identity in Him. He wanted me to seek His heart for the world, to learn about His kingdom, and to be aware of His work all around me. Instead of asking "what are God's plans for me?" the questions shifted to "what is God doing in His world, and how can I join in?" That questions changed everything. My eyes started to see what He sees, my heart beats for what his beats for...what it cries over....what it delights in. I began to see where I was most passionate and also see that "the future" isn't so laid out before me. In fact, I knew nothing of it. God was calling me to the present, to hear Him in the now, to abide in Him, then to trust Him, and obey. I didn't know what was before me, but I knew He is faithful. At that point I stopped looking so ahead and started waking up to each day fully.

In the fall of 2008 to spring of 2009, these aspects of life changed me the most. It was a turning point for me, and all those things happening in harmony really impacted me beyond what I thought possible. In June of 2009 I moved out of my St Paul apartment knowing I needed to move to North Minneapolis. Not moving there would be completely disobeying God, I knew that full well, however absolutely did not want to. But I trusted He knew me better than I new myself. I left for a 5 week backpacking trip through Europe, and came back in August to start the next chapter of my life.

Story: Part 2

Going to Kenya was a dream, and I had high hopes for a life-changing experience that met all my expectations (don't we all??). To make a really long story short, my experience was everything I didn't expect and all I didn't hope for, full of disappointments, frustrations, and confusion. (My blogs from Kenya are in the archives if you care to venture into them....) It took me a full year to process it. The overall message was this: I thought I would want to be a full time missionary, I thought I would be doing great things, and I thought I would be changed as I made a difference. I didn't make one bit of difference, I saw no fruit, I was sad all the time, I was lonely and cried. I didn't understand my purpose, I felt useless. I gained no passion. God has a way of humbling us, and teaching us through humility and mercy. Spending 3 months with only God to comfort is a unique opportunity, as well as not doing anything we would consider productive. God was calling me to himself, teaching me to be a learner, and ultimately to find my worth ONLY in Him. My identity cannot and must not come from being a missionary or anything else. Coming back from that trip I knew two things, I wanted to be in a more diverse setting, and I was ready to be productive again (I didn't know at the time that wasn't exactly the point...).

I threw myself into a millions things: Trying to keep up with every friend, two jobs, coaching hockey, volunteering at Gillette Children and the Salvation Army, trying to go to mass weekly, and getting involved at Sanctuary Covenant Church (www.sanctuarycov.org) by volunteering in a few areas. I chose to settle at Sanctuary for three reasons-I needed to finally just pick a church and stay put, I wanted to be at a covenant church, and it was an intentionally diverse community with music I really connected with.

I kept up this crazy routine for about 6 or 7 months until two friends called me out. I remember sitting on Leah's bed with Steph and Leah at my side, and gently telling me I needed to stop. They prayed for me, and from there I decided to have one job and one volunteer thing. In hindsight, I was doing all these things that made me worthy after the shameful experience of having nothing to tell after being in Africa. To be busy with different jobs and volunteering gave me so much purpose and worth-I didn't have to think about it I could just rest in that.

I started working at a school in northeast Minneapolis as a Special Ed teacher assistant. I was in an almost all African-American and African school with almost all white staff in a very Somali neighborhood. I was really excited about this, and eventually let go of my other two jobs to just be working 30 hours a week at the school. The volunteer experience I decided to stick with was at Sanctuary's Community Development Cooperation. It was a group for girls called Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI-fkkH-4NQ At this point I had volunteered one hour a week through the spring of 2007, and I had decided to stick with it for this upcoming school year (2010). I have to say this was actually the one volunteer thing I was sort of unsure of, because I was the most uncomfortable in it and seemingly useless. But I felt God told me to stay with it, so that is why I chose that.

I need to stop to say a word about Beautiful here. When I started with it was at a school in North Minneapolis (which was an area of town I didn't realize existed). I showed up at the school, my second time on the northside, and nervously entered into the building that said "Jambo!" (A swahili greeting, which is the language of Kenya) on the door. I was immediately startled by the all the students flooding the halls-none being white. Besides one white teacher I eventually saw, all staff and students were black. I was very aware of my whiteness. About 15 girls met in the library lead by a woman named Tryenyse, and there I sat. Listening to middle school aged girls get worked up about everything and anything, speaking so fast, and using so much slang that I missed have of what was being said. Week after week I came, listening, not sure how to contribute, how to interact, and being very uncomfortable in my own skin. I remained quiet, asked Tryenyse sometimes what different phrases meant, and was able to offer up my one contribution: have a manicure day. Great, glad I could paint their nails and really influence their life. We finished the school year and I went on to help a little in the summer. We were at a different school this time, so I got lost plenty of times in North Minneapolis. I really liked Tryenyse, and like the girls that were in the program, I just felt very unsure of myself, shy, and mostly observant. So, when the summer was done and the opportunity to continue on through the fall came, I was hesitant, but followed what God was asking.

So I started fall of 2007 living in the highland area of St. Paul (my dream living situation) in a cutesy apartment with my dear friend Mel, working in Northeast in a diverse school, attending Sanctuary, and volunteering 3 days a week for Beautiful at a school called Afrocentric Academy with Tryenyse and another woman named Stacie. There are four significant things that happened in this year (from fall 2007-spring 2008) that shaped so much of where I am now: working with Beautiful, asking Tryenyse to mentor me, spending intentional time just being before the Lord and listening, and taking a class starting in January of 2008 called City Matters.

My Story (Part 1)

I am going to share my journey of the last three years, and the events that lead up to it. I am really excited about the places God has been taking me, and I find this is an easier way to share the intricacies of His faithfulness, as well as remember and reflect on the journey as I live it out.

There was something about African culture that always intrigued me growing up. I can recall three specific things that shaped a lot of my thoughts. In Sunday School at Maplewood Covenant Church we had some sort of VBS program when I was in elementary school, and the theme revolved somehow around African Safari. I remembering watching a video that was somewhere in Africa, and the cardboard display that was in the front of the fellowship hall. Jungle, lions, and probably more-but whatever it was it sparked something deep within me that told me I had to go there.

Not too long after that I started reading a series we had in our church library about a young girl whose parents were missionaries in Kenya, and the adventures she created for herself in that beautiful country. It was then I knew I had to go to Africa.

The time line is blurry, but at one point in my youth I read the American Girl Doll book series about a little girl named Addie, who was born into slavery. The books take you on the journey of her life as she escapes slavery and tries to begin a new life with her family as free people.

In my mind I didn't know the depth of the connection I was making with African culture and African American, but there was an excitement I had about African culture, and an profound sorrow for the state of African American's in the United States during and after slavery. My young mind developed an interest in the history of the oppressed, and I continued to read historical fiction that centered around slavery. Meanwhile, I imagined myself as Addie on her journey, as well as more lighthearted play with a rather diverse group of dolls and barbies I had collected.

Now, growing up I could count the number of black people I knew on my right hand. I didn't ever question why that was, or imagine that oppression could exist today in the ways it has in the past. I understood slavery as an event that already took place and was over and done. I also didn't know anything of the civil rights movement and how recent that was history. What I knew was what read-history. What I knew is what I saw-easy, "reconciled", rich diversity on television. The Cosby Show for one. I wondered how to get thick pig-tails like Rudy or long rope-y hair like Denise. LaVar Burton brought a great tapestry to my imagination on Reading Rainbow. The most poignant memory I have is of Sesame Street. There was one scenario where there is a little white girl who lives in the suburbs with a black friend. First, the black friend visits the white girl and they play at her house. I honesty don't remember what they do there. What I recall with distinction is the white girl visiting the black girl, who lives in the city on a busy street with tall apartments. The mom spends time rapidly braiding the girls' hair, they have black barbies to play with, and then they go outside and double dutch on the sidewalk. That is what I wanted. (Little did I know that in May 1970, a state commission in Mississippi voted to ban Sesame Street. A member of the commission revealed the vote to the New York Times, saying that "Mississippi was not yet ready" for the show's integrated cast.)

I am sure there was probably more, those are the instances I can remember that made me desire the justice for slavery, seeing the city, and going to Kenya. Traveling to Kenya was really high on my list, so when I had a chance to choose my own in adventure in college Africa made my list.

I went to Urbana, a mission conference in 2003, and was determined to find an organization to travel with to Africa. I went to all the booths that had Africa on the list, and one in particular stuck out to me. After meeting with a representative, I knew I could finally make my dream come true. I originally had plans to go for three weeks in the summer of 2005, but that didn't work out and I ended up making a 3 month trip in the fall of 2006. What was to come was not at all what I had anticipated or could have imagined.

minneapolis love

so as some know, I am a st. paul girl-so the move to minneapolis has somewhat been through clenched teeth. don't get me wrong, there are definitely many things i enjoy about minneapolis-however i grew in st. paul and have a fond place in my heart for it and it's old feel, as well as plenty of nostalgic memories to fill me up. one of the things i do love the most about minnepaolis is the closeness to so many lakes crammed together amidst a big city. the juxtaposition of beautiful creation and man made buildings and busy night life is something i love. i have the privilege to devote many hours running around those lakes, and it never ceases to bring me rest and thoughts of thankfulness. this evening in particular i was going around lake calhoun, and took particular notice to the fact that at least 6 different ethnicities were represented in that three mile jog. there is such a cornucopia of people-all colors and classes, young couples, elderly holding hands, friends catching up, families walking their dogs, teams training, etc. not to mention the variety of activities going on! People are walking, running, biking, rollerblading, wheel-cross country skiing, swimming, fishing, playing volleyball, grilling, sailing, kayaking, canoeing, there was even a guy on roller skates dancing, and these guys wearing a weird sort of skiboot bouncy contraption thing. This is all happening on one lake at one time in a three mile span! I love it. So much. After my run i collapsed on a bench by the playground and stared up into the trees. I was thinking how where ever i may be in the world, if i lay down and look up in the sky it always looks the same. It's the same bright blue, the same puffy clouds, the sound of wind blowing through the trees makes the leaves sound the same-i could be anywhere on earth. as i was pondering this thought, i heard at least three different languages going on around me at the park. I really could have been anywhere! It's a beautiful place to live. i love the diversity in people, activity, and sights. That is one reason i love minneapolis.

Beautiful Camping

I had a week off, actually 9 days, from Aveda before the 4th. I ended up going on a camping trip with the girls I work with in Beautiful. The Sanctuary CDC, which I work for, received a grant to send kids to camp so we quickly put something together to make it happen. We were searching for girls to go up until the day before, but somehow managed to get 8 girls to come-2 from Beautiful, 3 from Community Covenant Church, and 2 from random connections, as well as student leader who went through the Beautiful program about 3 years ago. So I ventured out to Camp Amnicon on Sunday afternoon up in Wisconsin past Superior. We spent one night at the camp in a cabin, and 3 nights camping on the river, and the last night sleeping under the stars on the shores of Lake Superior. This was a dream of mine to do last year-when I had a year's worth of relationship with the girls in the program, and I knew them well. This trip made me somewhat nervous, as I was going into it only knowing two of the girls. Although I have worked with a lot of youth in my life, most of that has been with youth from similar cultural backgrounds as me-which is comfortable, familiar, and somewhat predictable. With Beautiful, I have learned and grown a lot, as well as been extremely out of comfortability considering how different of a background most of the girls I work with have from me. There are different issues, different expectations, different ways of communicating, and it is not predictable to me. It took a solid year to build the trust and relationships I had with the girls I worked with last year. Given that perspective, I was more hesitant in my capabilities to lead this trip with a group of girls that I had not met. But I had to trust God to guide, go on the encouragement of those around me, and realize there wasn't anyone else to do this! I have to say, it was definitely a challenge. Canoeing and camping at new sites for 4 days is hard work for anyone, let alone girls who had never done it before, and some who didn't even want to come in the first place. Besides fear of ticks and poison ivy, there was intense fear of water and falling in, of not being able to canoe, of darkness, and the unknown. Amidst negative attitudes, persistent nagging to help the guides load and unload canoes, treks in the woods to gather firewood, setting up tents, cold weather-these girls really survived! I will not lie-there were intense moments, times of full out fights, coping with difficult home lives, and times of utter frustration for the girls-but it was something I would do again. (Maybe not for 6 days, and maybe not as intense of a camp....) I learned that these girls really can do anything, even if it seems impossible. I learned I do have the capabilities to lead, even if it is different than what is conventional, I learned to be the peace amidst the storm, I learned to patiently push forward and quietly encourage even if it seems useless. I felt much joy from seeing these 8 young women do something they had never done before, and pride in their abilities. I felt deeply saddened and totally confused (i still do) at some of the lives these girls have to live. There are no answers to my "whys" and I don't understand what it all means and what needs to be done. I was filled with laughter at the silliness of that middle school age, and also filled with sorrow for how much they experience in their young lives that should not be. I know God is faithful to His children, He knows how to reach across cultural barriers through a willing heart and gently teach and guide. Also there a lot of differences in our upbringing and what they are experiencing than what I did at that age, there is a lot the same. I found myself remembering back to those years in my life and remembering what I needed, what I thought was important, and trying to figure out who I wanted to be-and seeing myself in the girls I was with. That was delightful.
All in all, I am thankful I did this as I knew I would be. Was I ready to leave at the end? Oh yes-I fully reached my limit. In a good way ;)