Gramma

My Grandma was a beautiful woman. Lillian Egina Matilda Hajicek (Wahman) Born on April 10, Good Friday, 1914. She died a week ago on April 30th, 2011. I have only had one set of grandparents my whole life, so she was and is very important to me. Since I grew up living close to her, I was able to see her often and now I can cherish so many sweet memories I have with her.

She was so even tempered all the time, very patient, graceful, natural, carried herself well, and engaging. Qualities I desire for myself. I was always proud to be with her, whether at church or helping at the nursing home, even at her last assisted living place. She is the type of person that exudes joy and contentment. When you were with her you felt at ease and peaceful. Near the end of her life, truly it was well with her soul.

I feel a closeness to her for many reasons, but some of the things that stand out to me as I reflect upon her life is what she did with her life. She went to college, first of all, and then helped to start what is now Maplewood Covenant Cnurch-by taking the streetcar all the way across town! When she met my grampa she didn't fall over for him, in fact she wasn't even sure about him-he had to pursue her and then her heart softened to him. Then they had a farm together with his family for I think about 10 year until she even had children. I just love her life. I think we would have been friends if we had grown up together :)

As a child her house was the best place to be. Full of adventures and mystery, comfort and home. I loved when we ate leftover cold fried chicken for lunch, with cloth napkins in those cute little wooden napkin rings. I loved dipping my finger in her honey jar and finding the sugar lumps in a small porcelain dish...and never being scolded. She built tents for me with the folding table, we made cookies and the Swedish Duppa, she taught me to crochet. Multiple times. We played games, she taught me how to use a computer believe it or not, and there were so many paper dolls at her house. Sleeping over at her house was so wonderful. I always wondered how she and grampa could each take about 20 vitamins in the morning. But I liked sharing breakfast with them, and I liked her putting me to bed. I loved the sound of her voice reading to me. She would play hymns and sing, and so many hymns I sing now I sing because she first taught my mother and then me.

When I was at camp, she wrote me letters. She even typed some with her typewriter! She was always extremely encouraging to me and I looked to her for spiritual leadership, not necessarily with words but just in her life. Her and my grampa laid a beautiful faith foundation for generations to come. When I think of her, I think of how much she loved the Lord and was devoted to Him. How impactful that love is as it carries down the line of family.

I feel so much love inside of me when I think of her. She was such a constant in my life, that even as she faded away in her short term memory I still found comfort in knowing she was here with me. Now that she is gone, I think of her smiles, her wit that she didn't try to have, her affection towards me, and how loved I felt by her all the time. I really felt so much peace with her. As she grew older and drew neared to her true Home, she often asked the question why she was still living when she didn't contribute anymore. I also told her she contributed just by being alive with me. But as she went on 3+ years of asking that, I began to see and understand her longing to be done with her earthly body that was failing. She lived such a full life, 97 years, of serving and loving the Lord. Him walking faithfully with her and her faithfully walking with Him. That is so inspiring, and knowing that He took her home swiftly and peacefully is beautiful, and makes me love Him more seeing a life lived so well. I have a strange contentment deep in my spirit about her dying, and I feel a sadness of not being able to reach to her-but I feel like that comfort that comes with knowing Christ is palpable when I think of her. Her peace and contentment compels me towards my Savior, and I think that is what our lives should do. Draw others into the peace that passes all of our understandings.

I read this scripture at her funeral (in the middle Aleeya yelled out "Jesus!" by the way) and I think it is absolutely fitting. It is how she lived her life, and the legacy she passes on to future generations.

A psalm. For giving grateful praise. (Psalm 100)

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Operation Hip Hop

Last week Urban Jerusalem, the church I am a part of, hosted its first ever national Hip Hop conference. The mission of the conference was "To Educate, Encourage and Empower church leaders, social workers, youth workers, musical artists, and others to successfully engage Hip Hop Culture" focusing on Ephesian 4:12 where is says "So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up."

We had worship services, concerts, workshops, and networking hours with a variety of Hip Hop artists performing and teaching as well as people on the front lines of ministries teaching workshops and speaking at our general assemblies. There was an incredible line up of speakers, including Pastor Phil Jackson, Pastor Elwood Jones, Urban D, Stacey Jones, and Efrem Smith. Our two featured guest artists were Mahogany Jones and Kaboose-who are so talented and humble.

I was never introduced to Hip Hop until about 3 years ago when I started going to Urban Jerusalem, and since then I have been learning about this culture that I never really knew existed. I have some great teachers, as well as read a few interesting books. In a nut shell Hip Hop began in the 70's in New York City really as a way for young people to creatively deal with the oppression and injustices going on post-civil rights movement. Starting out as block parties, it gradually made its way to radio and with the advancement of technology the rest is history. The interesting thing to me is that Hip Hop is really its own subculture and has a rich history in the fabric of America, however the mainstream forms of Hip Hop that we see in the media give us a very poor representation of a culture that actually has very positive and healing roots. That being said, I have learned to appreciate the culture as well as worship through the elements of Hip Hop and therefore understand the importance of this conference.

We were very proud of how the first conference went; we had just under a hundred people registered and saw a variety of people come in and out for the free concerts. Our speakers were from all over the US and we hope to reach even further out in registrants next year as this was the only conference of its kind besides Flavorfest in Florida. The conference not only did its job in educating and equipping leaders in ministries and the church, but provided a very unique place for artists to connect and find support with each other. So often people who minister, especially not in the mainstream ways, get burnt out because they have no support. Urban Jerusalem really seeks to provide that support and I think greatly accomplished the goal through this conference. It also provided a platform for young and new artists to showcase their skills and get good feedback.

Now me, not being a Hip Hop artist (obviously), have a unique perspective being sort of an inside/outsider. It was really wonderful for me to see the fruit of the labor as I watched people interact, learn, and engage with each other. I can't even begin to start talking about the speakers and the worship sessions, they were incredible. (And relevant to anyone who is seeking the Kingdom of God, not just Hip Hoppers!) Here is the most humbling part of the thing, and what God is working on me a lot for: Stacey Jones, the pastor of Urban Jerusalem, had a vision for the whole thing and Tryenyse, his wife, encouraged him not to sit on what God had told him to do. He wrote down the vision this past January, and 3 short months later it happened. I will admit I was so sceptical when Stacey first shared with me this vision. I thought to myself there is no way a conference of this capacity can possibly happen in 3 months. My practical mind thought of all the ins and outs, and I especially doubted the financial aspect of it all.

Stacey doesn't work that way-he really moves in faith, trusting that God doesn't operate in our practical minds but beyond them. He was obedient to what God told Him to do and stepped forward not letting the seemingly large obstacles hold back what God wanted him to do. It is a testimony to me of the radical trust God calls us to. He gives all sorts of dreams and visions to advance His Kingdom and manifest His Love in this world, but how often do we let fear get in the way? Practicalities? Finances? Others opinions? Isn't God so much bigger than all of that?? Yes we should be wise, yes we should be diserning and seek council with others, but part of the faith we profess is not just believing in God but acting as God calls us to. That is not just living a life set apart, but living a missional life in this world listening to the voice of God as He leads us. The visions He gives us may not make any sense at all! I cannot let that get in the way, and this conference was a beautiful testimony of moving in faith and letting God work out the details.

The other things is this: This conference is to reach a hip hop culture, a culture that is often rejected from the church. But the message is the same for all. We need to equip one another within the church to go out of the church to serve, love, and invite all into the love that Christ offers. But as Stacey teaches, we must be radical, relevant, and relational. If your passion is Hip Hop, great, but if it is not, pick something! Learn about the culture, be a part of it, engage, grow, relate. Let the love of Christ flow through you as your throw off the lense you grew up with and put on the broad lense of the inclusive Kingdom of God that is offered to all nations, tribes, and people groups.

The Children.

I have been overwhelmed with joy in the past 3.5 years for the children that have come into my life. Most people know I am quite maternal and have always loved kids, and have always been so excited to have my own. Obviously that is not in the near future, and I have become more than okay with that because of the delightful children that fill my life up daily. It is funny to me because I used to say that if I wasn't married by the time I was 30 then I would adopt. Well for heaven's sake 30 is only 3 years away and it is not old at all! I think I was just wanting kids in my life that it seemed to long wait-but God has taken me by complete surprise with the kids that he's given me through friends and my sister! I am so in love with them, and they satisfy my desire for children beyond what I can express. I am going to highlight each of them and why they are delightful in my sight.

Aleeya Lily, my sister's daughter. Born February 23rd 2009.

She is incredible. Full of life, silliness, stubborness, and resilience. She laughs at her self, makes my sister and I laugh with her sayings, and is so completely bursting with personality. She loves to be outside, and is my running and hiking partner, and will go swimming at any moment. Her words are so funny because they are a mix of spanish and english, and she can't say her "s's" and her "d's" are usually replaced with a "y" sound. (She calls me "Hi-yee") When she sees me, she comes running, and gives me a big hug around the neck. She lets me braid her hair and give her big smooches all over her face. She mimics those around her, so her expressions are hilarious. She is beautiful and my heart bursts with joy for her. Often when I come to see her she screams and yells out of excitment. That is what Im doing on the inside!

Lucia Susan, my friend Stefanie's daughter. Born July 26th, 2007.



Lucie is my twin. We have the same personality-she is so excited about life, jumps from one thing to the next, is very much a lover and cuddler, and is beyond hyper at times. Whenever I come to see her the love she gives me is beyond words-always a bounding hug that is with her whole and doesn't let go until she's kissed at least 3 times. She is becoming a beautiful little lady and it is been amazing to watch her grow. She is headstrong and passionate, and will do anything with me. From adventures, to dress up, to dancing, to princesses, to just making silly faces and taking picture after picture. She knows just what I need to feel completely loved by her, and she doesn't even know it yet!

Sofia Marie, Stefanie's second daughter. Born January 17th, 2009.


Sofia is a gentle spirit full of love. She is incredible smart and her voice is the sweetest. She learned to talk and to sing and never fails to make me giggle with her pronounciation of words like a little proper lady. She will patiently sit in my lap, snuggle in, and just be. She loves books and has the attention span to actually learn and memorize all her favorites. She has a quiet way about her, and I love to watch her learn, explore her world, and follow her big sister around. She lets me shower her with affection and gives it right back.

Elisa Vianne, Stefanie's third. Born December 6th, 2010.


Elsie is the newest, and we still can't figure out if she will look like a Sofie or a Lucie. I experienced her giggle for the first time yesterday, as we looked in the mirror and made faces at eachother. Her soft cheek next to mine was so sweet, and I am so excited to watch her grow.

Priest Braxton, Tryenyse and Stacey's son. Born September 9th, 2006.

Priest is the only one I haven't known since birth. I met him, I think, when he was around 6-9 months-I can't remember if I met him spring or summer of 2007. Either way he was a cute little baby. I really started spending time with him when he was around 2 and a half. He is the most articulate, self aware 4 year old you'll ever meet. We have such wonderful times, going go the beach, the park, the library, sledding, all sorts of adventures! I have the luxury of living a few blocks away, so we spend lots of time playing trains, running errands, baking, going to coffee shops-whatever it may be! He is so lovely, and my favorite moments with him are bedtime. He loves to read, quote scripture, and sing before he falls asleep. His favorite for me to sing is "Somewhere over the rainbow" and I love singing it to him! Sometimes he tells me that he thinks my heart is beautiful, and man that is the best. I say that he is my best date yet.

These are my children, whom I love, and bring my great joy. I am so thankful that God knows the desires of our hearts, and He will satisfy them in ways we could not have imagined!

Difficultly of Grace.

As I get older, I appreciate the ways I have grown in wisdom and experiences-and because of that much of the ways I interact with people gets easier, as well as dealing with difficult situations, people at work, conflicts, etc. I am so thankful that I have reached a point of self-awareness and self-assured-ness to get through these situations gracefully. In that respect, however, I find two things to be more difficult. As I mentioned in my last post, asking for help is something I constantly have to work on and learn from. I am learning this in the context of living in community and with the hopes of always staying in a community that is supportive of one another in the area of needs and resources. So I know it is something I will constantly need to be growing and be held accountable too.

The other thing I find very challenging is forgiveness. Not forgiving others, but being forgiven. It's not too hard to accept an apology and move on from folks mistakes. We are human, it happens, and ultimately God forgives-so must I. I am finding that being forgiven by someone else is an awfully uncomfortable feeling. I think when I was younger and in college even, we often glossed over things or didn't fully express when there was a problem. I can only think of a few examples of having to apologize to someone or vice-versa, and usually it was some sort of mutual exchange because of a misunderstanding of something.

I'd also like to think I am someone who doesn't intentionally hurt people, or say things that are going to require an apology. Looking back I realize there are times I have been too careless with words and probably owe people an apology-however either I wasn't in close enough friendship with them to express their hurt, or they didn't feel comfortable disclosing their own feelings of hurt to bring it up directly to me.

Now, as I enter into closer relationships with people and in intentional community with people, I find that we must continually have strength as individuals to come in freedom and express our hurts, miscommunications, frustrations, etc with others and know that we will be okay if it is not received well. Just as I am learning to be okay with expressing this, I have to be willing to receive others feelings in the same way. I think this is especially true if we are going to conquer societal divisions such as race, class, and even theology.

Bringing me to my point: When I make a mistake or say something hurtful, intentional or not, I have to be willing to bring my sincere apologies without explaining them away. I think that because I am not intentionally trying to hurt or offend, if someone gets hurt/offended/irriated/whatever I better make my case so they know it wasn't my intention. I am coming to think that is the wrong attitude to have. I need to apologize, and that is all I can do. If i am sincere, and the person truly knows and trusts my character, then I need to be secure enough to be able to apologize and have that be enough. If they choose not to accept, then that is that. My experience so far is that I am always forgiven. The strange part is, I feel sick all day and really have a hard time accepting the apology without feeling like I want to explain explain explain, and then wanting affirmation that I am okay. But when I think of the forgiveness modeled from God our Father-all he requires of us is the sincere confession out of a pure heart, and He forgives. Simple as that. Why is it so hard in our human relationships?

I have been praying that God will let me experience His grace more profoundly than I ever have, and I am beginning to see that He can show it to me in my blunders with human relationships. I need to practice constant humility, have the strength to always apologize, and to be secure enough to be of little words and much listening.

Help is Okay.

One of the biggest things I have been learning since moving to North Minneapolis and entering into intentional communities, is asking for help. I naturally have a self righteous tendency to not want help, not want anyone to offer me a favor, or anything of the like. This goes for a wide variety of things-from just getting help fixing something to asking for prayer to evening receiving something as simple as a back massage.

Anyway, it is something I am aware of and working on-and have had some good experiences in the past week to affirm that this is an area of my life where I need a lot of growth. I had a conversation with two of my mentors in the area of finance. I needed some sound advice and discernment from people who understand the practical and spiritual, and understand me and my life. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but most of the conversation ended up being about me being able to except the help of someone who loaned me money. I didn't realize how much guilt and weight I was feeling around that, and my faithful friends helped me to see how if we are truly trying to live a Kingdom centered life, then we are going to have to depend on one another. God desires for us to be connected and a community, and it is not possible to do this living in isolation. Even though I know that this person doesn't have any strings attached to this loan, and is lovingly let me pay on my own terms, I still have to overcome my natural feelings to let her give to me in this way. It takes me understanding that she knows the Spirit in me and can give out of the Spirit in her. That is the body of Christ.

After that conversation (which was a lot deeper than that, but that's the gist) I was able to experience community lived out in my neighborhood. I have to say I love Minnesota, especially the snow, and I think that it brings out the neighborlyness in people. (usually!) Anyway, I tried to plow out (in my little Saturn) of the end of my alley and got totally stuck. Overcoming my first instinct, I decided to knock on the alley-neighbor's door and ask for help. A friend, who is latino, came out to help me shovel. Soon we asked his mother to come out and help, who happens to only speak spanish. After that didn't work a man, who is black, pulled up to help push with his van. After he successfully pushed me back another neighbor came out of his house, who's accent told me he is clearly from another country, to help shovel. After all of this, I got out and we all cheered. How beautiful to have such a rich tapestry of people help me out, displaying the glorious design of the Creator in human beings and showing me again that it is in fact, okay to ask for help.

My pastor told me yesterday that if you are going to move into the hood you have to let people help you out. I am learning....

Sankofa

It's been a few weeks since I've gotten back from the Sankofa trip, and I would like to share as much as can about it.

On this trip through civil rights sights of the south, we are partnered with another person of a different ethnic background than ourselves. We are to journey together, eating together, going through the museums together, riding the bus together, and processing together. My partner was a woman named Deborah, in her 50's, who is of African American decent from Chicago, now living in Gary, Indiana. I was thankful to have someone older and wiser than I to journey with. I was actually one of the youngest on the trip. Everyone one else was late 30's and up to 72 I believe and a majority of folks had some sort of leadership in their church. I was more than grateful for the spiritual maturity of the group and all the wisdom that came with the years. It set a wonderful tone for our trip.

The whole experience is a whirlwind, as you meet in Chicago Thursday night, take a bus overnight to Alabama, then stay overnight in Jackson, Mississippi, then another busride overnight to Indiana from Tennessee. Then it's back to Chicago and on your way home Sunday late afternoon. Wow.

I went into the experience imagining a level of intensity that I had not experienced before, perhaps some breakdowns, and just to feel extreme emotions. After all, we watched intense movies on the bus, had open and raw communication as a group, visited civil rights museums, part of the underground railroad, and heard from folks who are were actually part of some of the marches.

After our debriefing on Sunday I felt sort of disappointed that this did not happen. I also felt unfinished in our conversation. It all happened so fast.

However, after I got home that night I sat in my bed and thought about the last 3 days. As I reflected on the events and mostly in the emotions and conversation shared among our group, I was thinking on the times in the past 3 years that I have experienced those emotions. And had those same conversations. In essence, the last 3 years of my life have seemed like a Sankofa journey. I have felt extreme emotions, I have had intense conversations, I have had often uncomfortable conversations, honest and raw, but uncomfortable. I have felt guilty, despair, hopeless. I have felt excited, honored, hopeful. I have had the immense privilege of journeying through with friends of a different ethnic background of my own.

After realizing that, my disappointment turned to gratitude as I thought of the Sankofa participants who journeyed with me, who were honest and vulnerable. Who took risks in conversation. Who let me into their lives. How else will I receive such insight, such sharing of thoughts and experience, on a subject that is too taboo to ever openly talk about without risking a relationship? I will always have the insight of my partner, who was a little girl when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated and watched tanks roll down the street in her Chicago home. I have never met someone who lived through that and shared with me her personal experience of it! That is one example of the beautiful dialog that was shared on a long bus journey together by 40 people committed to being vulnerable. It is powerful.

So let me share with you some of the places we went and talked about, and had an impact on me. Some of these links are to the story of what happened, which is more important to understand in the context of our country's history and how that still affects us today.

Birmingham, Alabama: 16th Street Baptist Church

Ingram Park

Southern Poverty Law Center This place was particularly powerful, as it talks about hate crimes and issues of injustice today.

Spencer Perkins Center This place was so hopeful to go to, to see a people that are really working towards reconciliation and community development. We also got to talk to John Perkins, which was a joy. He founded the Christian Community Development Association, which I love and learn from.

National Civil Rights Museum

SlaveHaven This was my favorite sight, the most powerful, the place that is imprinted in my mind, and where I learned the most.

Edmund Pettus Bridge

Overall, I am grateful to have had the opportunity to go on this trip. I recommend to everyone. It was a wonderful part of my journey, and I am sure God has more in store for me through it!

My friend shared a quote with me the other day from Archbishop Desmond Tutu, that beautiful describes the struggle of journeying towards racial reconciliation.

"Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing."

Story: Part 4

I struggled to find someone and place to live in North. I looked at a number of house, talked to different people, but nothing seemed to line up. I ended up deciding to live in an Urban Homeworks house, against my first instincts. It came down to it being my only option, even though I didn't want to live with 5 other people. Well, it ended up being a wonderful decision because Urban Homeworks is a fantastic organization and I learned so much being a part of it. It was a great place to grow and learn about living in the city intentionally, and provided a lot of resources and connections for me. To make a long story short, I started the Aveda Institute for cosmetology in January 2009, and continued to live in my Urban Homeworks house until August. Meanwhile I was still working for Sanctuary a little bit, substitute teaching minimally in Minneapolis Public Schools, and becoming more and more invested in Urban Jerusalem. This was formative for me for a number of reasons, but one huge one is that I was a minority at this church. As I started to invest more time, I spent more time with the Pastor (Stacey Jones) and get to know him more. We have had such crucial conversations about church, African American history and traditions pertaining to the church and just the culture in general. I have and am still learning many lessons in what it means to be a leader in a place that I have no cultural context for. I have been breaking down walls, assumptions, and personal issues I have had and not even known since serving in this church. God has done and is doing a great work in me through Urban Jerusalem and I stand in awe daily because of it.

Fast forward to August 2009-I move out of my house with 5 women and move in the the Jensen family. I have known Marque for awhile from working at the Sanctuary CDC, and just our paths crossing in many ways. He invited me to live with his family (I rent a room upstairs right there with the rest of the fam!) and I accepted, knowing that I couldn't afford my own place, I couldn't get any of my friends to move with me to North, and that this could be a fantastic opportunity. I really believe God prompted my heart prior to Marque asking me and led me against my own instincts to accept the invitation. Marque has intentionally lived in North for over 20 years with his family, has taught in the schools, founded and co-pastored a church in the community, and has dedicated his whole life to living in and among his community taking on their pains and burdens and fighting for justice alongside his brothers and sister. I greatly respect him as a man of faith, and was excited to have inside insight to how to live out the gospel in the daily ins and outs of life. What I didn't realize moving in was how valuable an experience I would receive in witnessing firsthand a healthy Godly marriage, and what a privledge I would have in mentoring their 15 year old daughter.

The beautiful part of all this is that when Marque started his church, he co-pastored with an African American man named Nate Orr. Their families meshed together as they lead a church and I know so much growth and learning took place in their relationship. When Pastor Stacey moved to Minnesota in his early 20's from Connecticut he not only lived with Marque for awhile, but also he lived with the Orr family as well. (I am not sure of the length, or details...) Stacey also pastored at their church. I also don't know all the capacities of that role, but I do know that Marque and Nate poured a lot of themselves into Stacey and they had (and have) and beautiful and dynamic friendship. Now I am living at Marque's and being mentored and poured into by Stacey-which I just feel like is so incredible because it is true generational community being lived out, and I cannot believe I get to be a part of it.

I have lived at Marque's for year now, am enjoying a really fun job at Salon on the Edge (a mile and half from our house!), serving part time at Urban Jerusalem, working a little for the CDC, and just finding more ways to be invested and serve where I live. I strive to be a learner everyday, ask questions, and never stop reading. I am convinced I am exactly where God wants me to be, and for the first time I am not looking forward but living in the present. I can't separate my faith from pursuing reconciliation and justice, and I know this is a lifelong journey. I know I have much more to learn and experience, but I am thankful for the relationships I have, for the desires of my heart that are unfolding before me, for the community that is part of who I am, and for the faithfulness of God who continues to guide the journey beyond and emotion and obstacle I encounter.

Ephesians 3 says:
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Story: Part 3

4 Significant that changed me:

1. Working with Beautiful
Beautiful was a program done by the Sanctuary Community Development Cooperation (the church's non-profit organization) that functioned as an after school program for middle school girls. It helped develop a sense of identity, promoted positive self esteem, helped the girls dream about their futures, get homework help, and basically just empower them in who they are as young, primarily African American girls living in North Minneapolis. ( I think I mentioned this in my previous post) Anyway, as I started the fall committing to 3 days a week, two hours a day, I was hesitant in how it would go. But I stuck with in the entire school year, and in brief what happened was this: I learned. I learned to be patient. I learned that trust takes time, that relationships will develop with consistency. I learned that I did have something to bring to the table, and that above all I needed to stay true to who I am. I learned about a different culture-I learned family values, I learned norms, I learned family values, I learned more about the fabric of North Minneapolis because I was entering into relationship with it. I learned to listen, and to ask questions. What happened changed me, challenged me, and pushed me beyond my own comfort. It moved beyond after school and homework, and went to movie nights and mall dates. I saw homes and siblings. I heard fights and tears. Struggles and joys.

2. I started taking a class called City Matters while I was working with Beautiful, sponsored also by the Sanctuary CDC. It is a teaching and discussion group, 8 weeks, that talks about issues of race, poverty, location, culture, and justice in the city. We explored these topics, watched videos, read material, and learned so much. My eyes were completely opened in a new way, I was challenged more than I ever have been, and I could feel my whole perspective and worldview being shifted. I left each class in awe, in confusion, passionate, frustrated, sad, excited....wondering what was going to happen. The part that was significant for me was the fact that I was learning all these things about injustice, the whys, racial disparities, etc-all while experiencing it firsthand with the girls in Beautiful. One class in particular we talked about how the economy in North Minneapolis is bad because the dollar doesn't stay there-people work and shop outside of its walls, and there is so much rental properties and people living month to month that all the money just goes right back out. I thought to myself that I cannot afford to put money into programs/schools/etc. on the northside, but if I moved there, I could shop there, and my money that I bring in would go into the neighborhood. I also was wrestling with the fact that after I left Beautiful each day, and this class, I drove back to my cute apartment in a nice area of St Paul away from all the issues. It was then that I felt God starting to convict my heart to move to North Minneapolis.

3. I asked Tryenyse, who was the leader of Beautiful, on day over soup and coffee if she would want to hang out more intentionally, on a regular basis, in a more mentorship sort of way. Funny at the time I was nervous to ask her, but we had been seeing each other regularly at Beautiful, sometimes we drove together, and sometimes we talked about the class over coffee. I felt a sort of connection to her and really desired her wisdom in my life. She of responded very enthusiastically to my request and of course I was very excited! That was in August of 2008. Since then we have had a beautiful, intentional, and multi-level friendship that has blessed me beyond words. I have since became sort of "adopted" into their family and spend countless hours doing ministry with her, her husband Stacey, and their son Priest. It has been a safehaven to hash out any questions or frustrations I have, a place to be honest about race and culture, about faith, about anything. Stacy and Tryenyse have a church called Urban Jerusalem:The City of Peace, that I began to attend on occasion at that time as well. (Ill talk about that later.) Little did I know the immense impact they would have in my life. All I can say is as I was sitting at church, listening to Tryenyse and Stacey lead hip-hop worship, I knew God was telling me to seek out friendship with Tryenyse. I am so glad I listened.

4. During all this change, growth, and learning I had a lot of "alone" time. I sought out time to be quiet before the Lord and listen for His voice. I learned so much in this time. He wanted me to find identity in Him. He wanted me to seek His heart for the world, to learn about His kingdom, and to be aware of His work all around me. Instead of asking "what are God's plans for me?" the questions shifted to "what is God doing in His world, and how can I join in?" That questions changed everything. My eyes started to see what He sees, my heart beats for what his beats for...what it cries over....what it delights in. I began to see where I was most passionate and also see that "the future" isn't so laid out before me. In fact, I knew nothing of it. God was calling me to the present, to hear Him in the now, to abide in Him, then to trust Him, and obey. I didn't know what was before me, but I knew He is faithful. At that point I stopped looking so ahead and started waking up to each day fully.

In the fall of 2008 to spring of 2009, these aspects of life changed me the most. It was a turning point for me, and all those things happening in harmony really impacted me beyond what I thought possible. In June of 2009 I moved out of my St Paul apartment knowing I needed to move to North Minneapolis. Not moving there would be completely disobeying God, I knew that full well, however absolutely did not want to. But I trusted He knew me better than I new myself. I left for a 5 week backpacking trip through Europe, and came back in August to start the next chapter of my life.

Story: Part 2

Going to Kenya was a dream, and I had high hopes for a life-changing experience that met all my expectations (don't we all??). To make a really long story short, my experience was everything I didn't expect and all I didn't hope for, full of disappointments, frustrations, and confusion. (My blogs from Kenya are in the archives if you care to venture into them....) It took me a full year to process it. The overall message was this: I thought I would want to be a full time missionary, I thought I would be doing great things, and I thought I would be changed as I made a difference. I didn't make one bit of difference, I saw no fruit, I was sad all the time, I was lonely and cried. I didn't understand my purpose, I felt useless. I gained no passion. God has a way of humbling us, and teaching us through humility and mercy. Spending 3 months with only God to comfort is a unique opportunity, as well as not doing anything we would consider productive. God was calling me to himself, teaching me to be a learner, and ultimately to find my worth ONLY in Him. My identity cannot and must not come from being a missionary or anything else. Coming back from that trip I knew two things, I wanted to be in a more diverse setting, and I was ready to be productive again (I didn't know at the time that wasn't exactly the point...).

I threw myself into a millions things: Trying to keep up with every friend, two jobs, coaching hockey, volunteering at Gillette Children and the Salvation Army, trying to go to mass weekly, and getting involved at Sanctuary Covenant Church (www.sanctuarycov.org) by volunteering in a few areas. I chose to settle at Sanctuary for three reasons-I needed to finally just pick a church and stay put, I wanted to be at a covenant church, and it was an intentionally diverse community with music I really connected with.

I kept up this crazy routine for about 6 or 7 months until two friends called me out. I remember sitting on Leah's bed with Steph and Leah at my side, and gently telling me I needed to stop. They prayed for me, and from there I decided to have one job and one volunteer thing. In hindsight, I was doing all these things that made me worthy after the shameful experience of having nothing to tell after being in Africa. To be busy with different jobs and volunteering gave me so much purpose and worth-I didn't have to think about it I could just rest in that.

I started working at a school in northeast Minneapolis as a Special Ed teacher assistant. I was in an almost all African-American and African school with almost all white staff in a very Somali neighborhood. I was really excited about this, and eventually let go of my other two jobs to just be working 30 hours a week at the school. The volunteer experience I decided to stick with was at Sanctuary's Community Development Cooperation. It was a group for girls called Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI-fkkH-4NQ At this point I had volunteered one hour a week through the spring of 2007, and I had decided to stick with it for this upcoming school year (2010). I have to say this was actually the one volunteer thing I was sort of unsure of, because I was the most uncomfortable in it and seemingly useless. But I felt God told me to stay with it, so that is why I chose that.

I need to stop to say a word about Beautiful here. When I started with it was at a school in North Minneapolis (which was an area of town I didn't realize existed). I showed up at the school, my second time on the northside, and nervously entered into the building that said "Jambo!" (A swahili greeting, which is the language of Kenya) on the door. I was immediately startled by the all the students flooding the halls-none being white. Besides one white teacher I eventually saw, all staff and students were black. I was very aware of my whiteness. About 15 girls met in the library lead by a woman named Tryenyse, and there I sat. Listening to middle school aged girls get worked up about everything and anything, speaking so fast, and using so much slang that I missed have of what was being said. Week after week I came, listening, not sure how to contribute, how to interact, and being very uncomfortable in my own skin. I remained quiet, asked Tryenyse sometimes what different phrases meant, and was able to offer up my one contribution: have a manicure day. Great, glad I could paint their nails and really influence their life. We finished the school year and I went on to help a little in the summer. We were at a different school this time, so I got lost plenty of times in North Minneapolis. I really liked Tryenyse, and like the girls that were in the program, I just felt very unsure of myself, shy, and mostly observant. So, when the summer was done and the opportunity to continue on through the fall came, I was hesitant, but followed what God was asking.

So I started fall of 2007 living in the highland area of St. Paul (my dream living situation) in a cutesy apartment with my dear friend Mel, working in Northeast in a diverse school, attending Sanctuary, and volunteering 3 days a week for Beautiful at a school called Afrocentric Academy with Tryenyse and another woman named Stacie. There are four significant things that happened in this year (from fall 2007-spring 2008) that shaped so much of where I am now: working with Beautiful, asking Tryenyse to mentor me, spending intentional time just being before the Lord and listening, and taking a class starting in January of 2008 called City Matters.

My Story (Part 1)

I am going to share my journey of the last three years, and the events that lead up to it. I am really excited about the places God has been taking me, and I find this is an easier way to share the intricacies of His faithfulness, as well as remember and reflect on the journey as I live it out.

There was something about African culture that always intrigued me growing up. I can recall three specific things that shaped a lot of my thoughts. In Sunday School at Maplewood Covenant Church we had some sort of VBS program when I was in elementary school, and the theme revolved somehow around African Safari. I remembering watching a video that was somewhere in Africa, and the cardboard display that was in the front of the fellowship hall. Jungle, lions, and probably more-but whatever it was it sparked something deep within me that told me I had to go there.

Not too long after that I started reading a series we had in our church library about a young girl whose parents were missionaries in Kenya, and the adventures she created for herself in that beautiful country. It was then I knew I had to go to Africa.

The time line is blurry, but at one point in my youth I read the American Girl Doll book series about a little girl named Addie, who was born into slavery. The books take you on the journey of her life as she escapes slavery and tries to begin a new life with her family as free people.

In my mind I didn't know the depth of the connection I was making with African culture and African American, but there was an excitement I had about African culture, and an profound sorrow for the state of African American's in the United States during and after slavery. My young mind developed an interest in the history of the oppressed, and I continued to read historical fiction that centered around slavery. Meanwhile, I imagined myself as Addie on her journey, as well as more lighthearted play with a rather diverse group of dolls and barbies I had collected.

Now, growing up I could count the number of black people I knew on my right hand. I didn't ever question why that was, or imagine that oppression could exist today in the ways it has in the past. I understood slavery as an event that already took place and was over and done. I also didn't know anything of the civil rights movement and how recent that was history. What I knew was what read-history. What I knew is what I saw-easy, "reconciled", rich diversity on television. The Cosby Show for one. I wondered how to get thick pig-tails like Rudy or long rope-y hair like Denise. LaVar Burton brought a great tapestry to my imagination on Reading Rainbow. The most poignant memory I have is of Sesame Street. There was one scenario where there is a little white girl who lives in the suburbs with a black friend. First, the black friend visits the white girl and they play at her house. I honesty don't remember what they do there. What I recall with distinction is the white girl visiting the black girl, who lives in the city on a busy street with tall apartments. The mom spends time rapidly braiding the girls' hair, they have black barbies to play with, and then they go outside and double dutch on the sidewalk. That is what I wanted. (Little did I know that in May 1970, a state commission in Mississippi voted to ban Sesame Street. A member of the commission revealed the vote to the New York Times, saying that "Mississippi was not yet ready" for the show's integrated cast.)

I am sure there was probably more, those are the instances I can remember that made me desire the justice for slavery, seeing the city, and going to Kenya. Traveling to Kenya was really high on my list, so when I had a chance to choose my own in adventure in college Africa made my list.

I went to Urbana, a mission conference in 2003, and was determined to find an organization to travel with to Africa. I went to all the booths that had Africa on the list, and one in particular stuck out to me. After meeting with a representative, I knew I could finally make my dream come true. I originally had plans to go for three weeks in the summer of 2005, but that didn't work out and I ended up making a 3 month trip in the fall of 2006. What was to come was not at all what I had anticipated or could have imagined.

minneapolis love

so as some know, I am a st. paul girl-so the move to minneapolis has somewhat been through clenched teeth. don't get me wrong, there are definitely many things i enjoy about minneapolis-however i grew in st. paul and have a fond place in my heart for it and it's old feel, as well as plenty of nostalgic memories to fill me up. one of the things i do love the most about minnepaolis is the closeness to so many lakes crammed together amidst a big city. the juxtaposition of beautiful creation and man made buildings and busy night life is something i love. i have the privilege to devote many hours running around those lakes, and it never ceases to bring me rest and thoughts of thankfulness. this evening in particular i was going around lake calhoun, and took particular notice to the fact that at least 6 different ethnicities were represented in that three mile jog. there is such a cornucopia of people-all colors and classes, young couples, elderly holding hands, friends catching up, families walking their dogs, teams training, etc. not to mention the variety of activities going on! People are walking, running, biking, rollerblading, wheel-cross country skiing, swimming, fishing, playing volleyball, grilling, sailing, kayaking, canoeing, there was even a guy on roller skates dancing, and these guys wearing a weird sort of skiboot bouncy contraption thing. This is all happening on one lake at one time in a three mile span! I love it. So much. After my run i collapsed on a bench by the playground and stared up into the trees. I was thinking how where ever i may be in the world, if i lay down and look up in the sky it always looks the same. It's the same bright blue, the same puffy clouds, the sound of wind blowing through the trees makes the leaves sound the same-i could be anywhere on earth. as i was pondering this thought, i heard at least three different languages going on around me at the park. I really could have been anywhere! It's a beautiful place to live. i love the diversity in people, activity, and sights. That is one reason i love minneapolis.

Beautiful Camping

I had a week off, actually 9 days, from Aveda before the 4th. I ended up going on a camping trip with the girls I work with in Beautiful. The Sanctuary CDC, which I work for, received a grant to send kids to camp so we quickly put something together to make it happen. We were searching for girls to go up until the day before, but somehow managed to get 8 girls to come-2 from Beautiful, 3 from Community Covenant Church, and 2 from random connections, as well as student leader who went through the Beautiful program about 3 years ago. So I ventured out to Camp Amnicon on Sunday afternoon up in Wisconsin past Superior. We spent one night at the camp in a cabin, and 3 nights camping on the river, and the last night sleeping under the stars on the shores of Lake Superior. This was a dream of mine to do last year-when I had a year's worth of relationship with the girls in the program, and I knew them well. This trip made me somewhat nervous, as I was going into it only knowing two of the girls. Although I have worked with a lot of youth in my life, most of that has been with youth from similar cultural backgrounds as me-which is comfortable, familiar, and somewhat predictable. With Beautiful, I have learned and grown a lot, as well as been extremely out of comfortability considering how different of a background most of the girls I work with have from me. There are different issues, different expectations, different ways of communicating, and it is not predictable to me. It took a solid year to build the trust and relationships I had with the girls I worked with last year. Given that perspective, I was more hesitant in my capabilities to lead this trip with a group of girls that I had not met. But I had to trust God to guide, go on the encouragement of those around me, and realize there wasn't anyone else to do this! I have to say, it was definitely a challenge. Canoeing and camping at new sites for 4 days is hard work for anyone, let alone girls who had never done it before, and some who didn't even want to come in the first place. Besides fear of ticks and poison ivy, there was intense fear of water and falling in, of not being able to canoe, of darkness, and the unknown. Amidst negative attitudes, persistent nagging to help the guides load and unload canoes, treks in the woods to gather firewood, setting up tents, cold weather-these girls really survived! I will not lie-there were intense moments, times of full out fights, coping with difficult home lives, and times of utter frustration for the girls-but it was something I would do again. (Maybe not for 6 days, and maybe not as intense of a camp....) I learned that these girls really can do anything, even if it seems impossible. I learned I do have the capabilities to lead, even if it is different than what is conventional, I learned to be the peace amidst the storm, I learned to patiently push forward and quietly encourage even if it seems useless. I felt much joy from seeing these 8 young women do something they had never done before, and pride in their abilities. I felt deeply saddened and totally confused (i still do) at some of the lives these girls have to live. There are no answers to my "whys" and I don't understand what it all means and what needs to be done. I was filled with laughter at the silliness of that middle school age, and also filled with sorrow for how much they experience in their young lives that should not be. I know God is faithful to His children, He knows how to reach across cultural barriers through a willing heart and gently teach and guide. Also there a lot of differences in our upbringing and what they are experiencing than what I did at that age, there is a lot the same. I found myself remembering back to those years in my life and remembering what I needed, what I thought was important, and trying to figure out who I wanted to be-and seeing myself in the girls I was with. That was delightful.
All in all, I am thankful I did this as I knew I would be. Was I ready to leave at the end? Oh yes-I fully reached my limit. In a good way ;)

books.

Post college I have been able to enjoy the luxury of reading. I love it, love learning and being challenged, and also enjoy entering into a good fiction book that brings me to another place. So I am going to give a REALLY brief review of the books that impacted me the most in the past year.

Jesus for President, by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw
I learned a lot about how kings, government, laws, etc. were throughout Biblical times and what Jesus did in light of that-not bringing God into the corrupt Roman government, but rather calls us to a totally radical new way of living. I learned and was challenged, and felt that it gave a good picture of how to respond to those sort of issues today.

Mother Teresa: Come be my Light
This book was terribly interesting. I love Mother Teresa and have read a lot about her, but this was very eye opening into her private light. She struggled immensely with something called "the dark night of the soul" and really didn't "feel" Jesus regularly, in fact she had feeling of God leaving her-yet she served faithfully anyway. It was intriguing and encouraging to read her inner life, not the life that others saw.

The Shack, by William P Young
The reason I liked this popular book is that it painted a picture of the Trinity in a very beautiful way that I had never imagined before, and I loved that.

Let Justice Roll Down, by Dr. John Perkins
This is more or less the story of his life and how God brought him to where he is at. It is incredible to read about the struggles he went through in the deep south during Jim Crow, yet followed God's persistent call to serve there.

Becoming the Answer to our Prayers, by Shane Claiborne and Jonathon Wilson-Hartgrove
This book was wonderful. Basically showing how God invites into community with Him to answer prayers, and into community with each other to do this with God. Very inspiring.

The Year of Living Biblically, by A.J. Jacobs
Aside from being very entertaining, I learned a lot too. This guy , who is agnostic, spent a year following the old testament laws literally. It is highly comically, but also since he draws wisdom rabbis and other spiritual leaders I learned a lot of the "why's" of the laws and also the Jewish customs that were on the old testament and then were a part of the culture that Jesus lived in.

Celebration of Discipline, but Richard Foster
Every Christian should read this book. It demonstrated beautiful ways to fall more in Love with Christ through so many different ways. I loved it, it was simple yet so profound.

The Autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr.
If you are interested in social justice and learning about the residual affects of slavery, Jim Crow, segregation, etc. has had and has now on how the US works, you will like this. It was inspiring to read this testimony of his faith and how above all what God was asking Him to do was what mattered most.

Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, by Ronald J. Sider
Another one every Christian should read. These are issues that cannot be ignored, and we have to deal with our affluence in world where people die of hunger. It is intense but very informative and helps on this journey of learning and doing.

Everything Must Change, by Brian McLaren
He is one of my favorite authors, and this book really convicted be a pushed me into action. It is quite eye-opening. I also recommend the New Kind of Christan series by him as well.

an all time favorite that I read for fun and comfort is Heidi, by Johanna Spiri. You may think I am partial because of the name, but this book is so beautiful. It is the extraordinary faith of a small child that inspire those around her, and the appreciation and freedom of God's good earth, that resonate with me and give me joy! Another book series I read for fun is the Wizard of Oz series by Frank L Baum. They are so delightful and creative I can't wait to read them to my own children someday!

I am always open for book recommendations! Hope these inspire someone :)

loves

Those who know me know I love children. So much. These are the little loves that I see and love the most-My niece Aleeya, Stefanie and Mark's children Lucia and Sofia, and my friend Tryenyse's son Priest.

Priest Jones

Sofia is such a doll

Aleeya is my little love.

I am such a proud auntie!

This is little Lucia doing her animal sounds. It is so cute I must share it.

Let justice roll down....

I just finished reading the autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr. I was interested in reading it one, because hello he's interesting, and two because I feel like although i have good idea of what he was about I really wanted to dive deeper into his life. This book was wonderful because it revealed his inner life of seeking God as well as his personal thoughts of the happenings going on around him, as well as just his journey to how grew into man that he was.
Something that really makes me look up to him as not only someone who always stood for what his convictions, and not only as a really wise and intelligent man and theologian, was his incredible faith in a God who can do all things. His whole life was an outpouring of the inner relationship and commitment he had to Christ. Everything came from that, and not the other way around. That is the same way I feel about Mother Teresa. Above all, she wanted people to look to Christ, not to her, because everything she did was just a simple outpouring of the love that she experienced with her Savior. Martin Luther King stressed over and over that he just answered a call-he was in the right place in history and basically said yes to God-it could have been anyone. I love that because it puts into perspective our humanity. We are all only human, and God is going to do what He is going to do, He is just looking for people to say yes. As someone told me last night, God is at work and will accomplish His plans, if we want to join Him we can.
I thought I'd share some of the quotes that really stuck out to me as relevant for us today. It is interesting to read about the struggles that were going on in the late 60's, for when I look around we are still facing a lot of the same struggles. I wonder what MLK would think today if he looked around, still seeing some of the same mess. However I do think that as long as we are trusting in God, there is hope. That hope is what we can cling to.
In his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech from 1964:
"I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of thermonuclear destruction. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger than evil triumphant. I believe that even amid today's mortar bursts and whining bullets, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow. I believe that wounded justice, lying prostrate on the blood-flowing streets of our nations, can be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men. I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down men other-centered can build up. I still believe that one day mankind will bow before the altars of God and be crowned triumphant over war and bloodshed, and nonviolent redemptive good will proclaim the rule of the land. "And the lion and the lamb shall lie down together and every man shall sit under his own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid." I still believe that We Shall overcome!"

At the university of Olso, he gave a lecture which he presented what he believed to me the three largest issues we face. They are racial injustice around the world, poverty, and war. I think that is something to think about today.

A few years later he spoke out as an advocate for antiwar. He said "A nation that continues to year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death." In light of the war we are currently in, I think that is very true. I am continually appalled at the amount of money poured into the military per month in the U.S.

At one point when people were giving him a lot of criticism he said this: "They seem to forget that before I was a civil rights leader, I answered a call-and when God speaks, who can but prophesy? I answered a call which left the Spirit of the Lord upon me and anointed me to preach the gospel." The gospel of Christ and justice for the poor and oppressed were inseparable. I believe this to be true.

Another one I love " We are prone to judge success by the index of our salaries, or the size of our automobiles, rather than by the quality of our service and relationship to humanity."

The last thing I will leave you with is what he said in a speech regarding the Poor People's Campaign, which he launched before his death to address issues of economic injustice but was killed before he could see it come to fruition. These words are of a man who is living in the now, living a kingdom life, a bold and fearless life full of freedom: "It really doesn't matter what happens now.... some began to... talk about the threats that were out – what would happen to me from some of our sick white brothers.... Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place, but I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over, and I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land. And so I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. My eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord."

Sabbath Economics

I had the privilege of hearing a guy by the name of Ched Myers on two different occasions last weekend. (well, two weekends ago now) He spoke at Urban Jerusalem, the hip hop church I am a part of, as well as for Urban Homeworks and other small intentional living communities. I really appreciated what he had to say and learned a lot-and hopefully I will learn and grow in this more as I read some of his books!
The overall message is that God's dream, or original plans, for the economy is vastly different than how it looks. We are so far from what is laid out for us Biblically, as well as from the teachings of Jesus, in the way we spend our money it is hard to see how we can move away from it. I think for me, I have been so entranced by the world around me and the "norm" of the consumer oriented society I live in, I have come to accept it as the way it has to be. I am going to just go over some of the notes that I took that stood out to me, and hopefully be able to continue this conversation as I explore this more. God calls us to live in community and seek that out-the society we live in is always working against community. Society has us pull out of our home to work, people leaving their country to follow where the money is, there is a sacrifice of family for careers, always a sense of upward mobility, and the need to work up in wealth. All these things promote anxiety, addiction, and alienation. We have anxiety because we doubt, we are dissatisfied, we have deficit spending, artificial abundance, and artificial security-and we think all of this is natural. There is an addiction to money, to having more things, to working, to limitlessness. And through that all we are alienated from community, from commonwealth, from work, from the earth, from relational commerce, from spirit-we live in a placeless market. These things are not normal! We can't change because we are dependent on all of these things, and this is what is wrong. There are 4 things to look at: 1-we are all have an economic story specific to us, because we all buy, shop, loan, borrow money, etc. 2-Everyone is located in the larger economic story, from foreclosures to job loss, etc. 3-Sharing these stories break the silence around money and class! (he emphasized that this is the last thing we talk about, especially as christians; it is taboo in church and a such a "personal matter" that we don't talk about and therefore don't hold each other accountable, etc.) 4-Sharing our stories de-privatize the anxiety, as well as commune-itizes our imagination which leads to creative responses to the overall problem.
He created a 7-fold covenant for people who want to start to deal with these things together. Then he talked about money and the problems around it. We are really good at rationalizing money and we are trained to believe that money is morally neutral. But this is not true- money is definitely one of the principalities and powers that is talked about in the Bible, and it is risky to the soul, and intrinsically is spiritual corruption. He used the word "mammon" which is a term in the Bible used to describe material wealth or greed, often personified as deity. Money is an instrument of social exchange-whether positive or negative. It can maximize private interest, give us personal gratification and security, and it is also a social exchange with providers of good and services. Now, with that we can use money to exploit others or help others. How we spend is predicated on relationships and values. An example of this is with coffee-we can exploit poor farmers or build sustainable communities by purchasing fair trade.
Now, often our response is that we are either completely paralyzed (the problem is too huge so we do nothing) or we are righteous and critical of others (also not a helpful attitude). He said this "we are moderate in our actions, but forceful in our critiques." I think this is very true! He said something I think is important: no step is too big or too small, and no one ever "arrives." Obviously, you can always be doing more, but this doesn't negate the small steps that keep you moving forward. I think there is a lot of hope in that. For example, recycling didn't just happen one day. It took someone with a vision, and small movements on the local level. It was a big movement made possible by an individual conscience. In 20-25 years recycling became conventional wisdom.
Another point he spoke about was the concept of redistribution. One of the reasons we stay poor in the U.S. is because those who are poor have no equity-money just passes through them (to pay rent, bills, etc.). Therefore you can't get loans to, say, buy a home, so you are always stuck in a rental situation and never build that up. But this is so messed up because now days we can't get an education or a home without taking out a loan-so putting ourselves in debt and in a position where we are forced to use money we don't have to get something we need to become secure later. But if we don't do this, we are forced to make 10 dollars an hour, if that, and constantly stay in a position of instability as we never own a home, etc. It is quite interesting that this is the way that is normal now in our culture. This practice of usury, collecting interest, is forbidden in the Bible. Yet we are practically forced to live as such now... Some of the solutions to these problems involve coming back to community-through local credit unions and relying on communities to send their kids to college collectively. For example, if those with extra could move their investments into credit unions to be able to create money to give education loans and mortgage loans to those without equity. It takes some imagination and communities coming together.
Wow this is getting to be a lot. The last points he drove home was that addiction is the problem of the 1st world nations, and oppression is the issue of the 3rd world. The problem isn't poverty. The problem is the affluent taking too much.
He gave me a lot more to think about! I am encouraged by people like him who provide a hopeful outlook on these things. I do believe God has a bigger and better dream, and we have totally lost sight of those dreams. I believe that we have a responsibility as Christians to not only think about these things, but also figure out ways move in practice. I, for one, am hopeful in this. A big part of this is really looking at myself honestly and see what my "economic story" is. That is a scary thing....

If you are interested, here is the website:
http://www.bcm-net.org/
Also if you are interested in another look into our consumer-orientated mindset:
http://storyofstuff.com/

Simple as rocks

So I am pretty much signing off of my original plans for lent, like i said before, of exploring different causes I can learn and grow in each week. I am not abandoning them completely, because I think those things I had in mind are important-however as of now I find myself busier than usual and in my down time I prefer not to be researching. The vegetarian thing is enough to make me think, so I'll just think on that for awhile. Plus, another aspect of lent that I appreciate is the way it makes me slow down a bit to reflect on who I am and who God asks us to be in light of the Cross. I am not nearly devoting enough time to this and it is evident-I am feeling almost disoriented lately and I attribute that to not enough BEING. There is too much DOING and, while they are good things, I need to rest in mercy and grace God is providing. I also need to stop and listen awhile.
Part of this has to do with the fact that the majority of my time is spent in a place that isn't really me. I think the environment that you are in most really will affect you, and to me it is important that it gives you rest and peace. And while I genuinely love and enjoy going to Aveda, it is a little out of my element and not restful. I find my mind wandering to places like Covenant Pines and daydreaming the whole length of the time i spend running. I need to figure out the balance....
I spent some time with the three most precious children in my life this weekend (Lucia, Sofia, and my neicey Aleeya), which is always refreshing and rejuvenating. They bring a lot of joy to me, but also their lives exude a simplicity I learn from. Luci and I went out in the backyard to enjoy the fresh spring breeze trying to break forth and I just followed her around. She went in her swing and giggled the whole time-maybe just from the sheer pleasure of her whispy blonde hair blowing back and forth, or from her feet dangling in the air, for from the wind hit her face as she went back and forth. After swinging she found a spot filled with uniform rocks filling in the space around a garage. She squatted down and picked up and put down rocks, studying them carefully and speaking her baby language with convincing inflection in her voice. Occasionally one would be handed to me with an "ooh" sort of wonderment. The peace in those moments reminded me that life can be as simple as rocks-just enjoying something in creation, inspecting all aspects of it, and then looking again. I love what can be seen through the eyes of an 20 month old child.



Another note, congratulations to my sister and my NEW brother in-law, who got married this past Monday! Here are some pictures of the occasion:

Aleeya was happy about it too:

The fam:

Full Circle.

(the pic has nothing to do with the blog content, but isn't she beautiful?)
So I am not living up to my Lenten expectations. First of all, i may have jumped the gun on vegetarianism. After Lent I am going to be a "practicing vegetarian" until I figure it out. I truly feel God has prompted this in me, and if i just write it off as having too many variables and questions to it and eat meat anyway, then I'll stop thinking about it. As long as I am not eating it, it will force me to explore that more and more and make a decision that I feel is what God is showing me and asking me to do in my life. For now, this is what I need to do. So until an unforeseen time...I shall not partake in meat. Fish? That is another research day.
My goal for last week was to pick something else I feel is important, which was going to be fair trade coffee. However I never actually sat down to do it. I still haven't. I know enough to want to choose it whenever possible, but I am not passionate about it to only drink fair trade. That is dumb...so I want to explore it more however I have not. So there. Hopefully I will, because this was something I wanted to do weekly! The weeks are moving along quickly!
Last night as i debated looking up fair trade stuff, instead I pulled out a journal from last year, (which I do on occasion) and flipped to March of 08. It was my last entry to my "Africa journal" which is a journal i kept in kenya, and i continued to write in it when I had thoughts that pertained. It was encouraging to look back on it, affirming, and also awesome to see the way God works in me and through me and never stops, He just keeps pushing and pressing and leading, and loving. So I think I'll be ultra vulnerable and share this last entry, which I entitled "Full Circle" (which is also a fave Storyhill song of mine...)

3-3-08.
Who are you? That is the main theme/question of City Matters class tonight. (Which, by the way, is completely messing up my life for the record...) it is an intriguing question because I feel like i've really been hit with this question this past fall in sort of an indirect way. For so long my identity and worth has been wrapped up in what I am doing-from being at Bethel, a captain of the hockey team, volunteering, mentoring, being a good daughter, friend, etc.-Then it was focused on going to Africa and being "used" by God there, being a savior of some sort-my worth tied up in being a missionary. When i felt like I failed at that, i came back to the US tring to build up my identity and worth again with something else. Looking back the last 1 1/2 years of my life has been the most difficult. I felt the most dissatisfied and lonely and incomplete. Joyless. That load has slowly been lifted over the past 4 months or so for a very significant reason. I stopped. I quit DOING for God. I quit trying to measure up-in my relationships with friends and family, in the things I was doing. And you know, I thought I would find fulfillment in my new job. But guess what?!? I didn't! Isn't it wonderful? I don't even like it that much. That is my final confirmation that it does not matter what i do-I need to wrap myself up in the simple fact that I am a daughter of the King! Created in the image of the one and only Lord! Loved by my Creator! Fearfully and wonderfully made! That's it-it is so simple and profound and absolutely hard to believe. How can my whole worth and my entire identity depend on that? It is so hard to grasp. But, honestly, for the first time in about 2 yearsI am finally being restored to the Joy of the Lord and being satisfied in Him. And it is not because I'm dong anything spectacular, or because I figured out my "calling" or what I should do with my life. It's purely because I am letting myself come before my Maker and let Him speak to my heart in those quiet ways I have been too noisy to hear. I am coming on my knees to Jesus, the Savior, letting down my hair and pouring the perfume of my life out over His feet. It has been so uncomfortable at times and full of tension, but very freeing when I really let God speak. I feel like I'm being born again. I often have the experience of being so in love with Jesus and so excited to be in the most incredible story of God that I could almost throw up. I am not kidding. This is one of the most important lessons I could be learning, I pray it won't stop. The more I am learning in City Matters about poverty, city issues, racial issues, and the Justice of God-the more my life is getting screwed up. I love learning about it, and I am hungry for more knowledge-however now I KNOW and I can't pretend I don't, so now I have to take action. That is what is messing me up. I can't be honest before Jesus if I am not obedient to Him in what He is pressing on my heart. Now i have to move to North Minneapolis and try to live in intentional community there. Jesus help me. I do pray you work that out, and who me how to move and where to be.......

(the rest is a prayer)....it ends in saying God is so faithful.

Isn't He so faithful??? I love taking the time to reflect on where I have been and how He has lead my into the now.

Lent continued....

It is very typical for people to give up something for Lent. I find a lot of people just choose something that isn't a "healthy" habit and give it up, not thinking about the true reasons we are called to fast. This is unfortunate because sacrifice is a beautiful, difficult, and growing time during Lent!
I have practiced fasting from something during Lent, first as a child not knowing the significance, and later as an adult after I discovered the beauty and holiness in it. I have given up some typical things, and also some rather strange ones-but all with the intent of drawing nearer to Christ, depriving myself of a luxury to focus on what really matters, and doing a small sacrifice to reflect the true sacrifice Christ made on the Cross of Calvary. For the past three months or so I have been trying to think of what I should do. I also think it is important to not only grow in piety to God but also be called into action from what I give up. I wanted to focus each week on different social justice issues or things that actively bring me to live God's Kingdom here on earth. As I was pondering this, I felt God prompting me to give up meat. I thought, "that's nice, but why?" I always ask people who are vegetarians why they are so, I have not heard one answer that would ever convince me to do it myself. I sort of knew that eating meat isn't very good for the environment, and I have never really looked into the treatment of animals when it comes to eating it. The closest I have gotten to actively pursuing justice for animals in my food consumption is buying eggs from free-range farms. And even that I don't totally know why....
So I will tell you my initial reasonings for giving meat up for lent, and then go into why I have now decided to be a vegetarian. (Yikes I can't believe I just wrote that.)
1. In third world countries, meat is a luxury. When I was in Kenya meat was cooked only for a big celebration (we killed the fatted goat) or when we were hosting someone special. I also has chicken when I was invited somewhere, which was maybe twice. Even then, it is not the "choice cuts" and you eat every last bit-I watched a women scrape out the marrow and eat it. If I choose to not eat meat, I will think about the rest of the world that doesn't get that luxury and yet another thing that sets me apart as way upper class compared to most of the world.

2. Not eating meat will help me reflect on the sanctity of life. By not eating meat, I am respected the animal that would have been slaughtered. I also want to think about what the sanctity of life means: from the factory farmed animal, to the child sold into sex-trade slavery, to the AIDS orphan, to the drug addict down the street, to the homeless man on the corner, to the single mom trying to raise 5 kids by herself, to the child who dies because of lack of clean water, to the iraqi child, to the lonely old man with no one to visit him, to the aborted baby that could have been, and I could go on and on.
So those were my initial lenten reasons, and they still hold true. Anyone who knows me knows I am a self-proclaimed carnivore. I love steak and fried chicken and wings and corn dogs and the like. So this is really making me think as I grab the vegetarian choice! I LOVE MEAT!

Okay, so now onto why I decided to become a vegetarian for real. Oh man I cannot believe this is happening to me. Okay read on friends....
1. Becoming a vegetarian is the number one way to reduce your carbon footprint. Eating meat is like driving a big SUV. Worldwide livestock farming causes 18% of the worlds greenhouse emissions. All the world cars, boats, planes, and trains only account for 13% in comparison! I did not know that. Livestock farming also contributes to deforestation. Trees need to be cut down to make room for pastures and to grow food to feed the cows. More than 260 million acres in the U.S. alone has been cleared to grow grain to feed farmed animals. It is also a cause of extinction to indigenous plant species. "The impact of countless hooves and mouths over the years has done more to alter the type of vegetation and land forms of the West than all the water projects, strip mines, power plants, freeways, and subdivision developments combined."

2. Eating meat is very inefficient and promotes the continuation of poverty. It takes up to 16 pounds of grain to produce 1 pound of edible meat. Let's think about where that 16 pounds of grain could go besides to make a one portion of a meal of me on an average night. Eating/farming meat is an inefficient use of grain. The price of grain has gone up significantly, which means more hunger throughout the world. And we are using grain to feed cows so the rich can enjoy a nice steak now and then. That is so messed up! Then think about the water used in meat production-1 pound of meat takes 50,000 liters of water. It just does not make sense to contribute to the livestock farming industry if I claim to care about the poor and hungry throughout the world.

3. It I believe God cares about His creation, and left humans in charge to care and love it, then I have to believe He cares just as much about His animals. And if the earth will indeed one day be reconciled, I think it is safe to assume He means ALL of His creation, not just humans. Therefore, I don't think God is pleased with the way we get our meat. As I have been researching, the treatment of animals in factory farming is horrific. As most of you know, I am not an "animal lover" by any means, but that doesn't mean I approve of torture to animals. Factory farming is just that. It is another example of how the privileged exploit the weak to get what we want. We want meat, we want it cheaper, therefore we inject animals with crazy chemicals, pack them into small quarters, never let them fully live, and torture them, and kill them inhumanely so we can save 2 dollars on a package of ground beef. Even as I right this I am realizing how sick this is. I know this was not God's intention for his creatures. But, here in America at least, we can turn off what we don't want to hear to not have to deal with the problem! We eat the meat without know what the animal has been through, we buy the shoes without thinking of the 7 year who made them in a third world, we drink the coffee without evening imagining the labor a poor farmer went through without getting a fair wage. That is how we function in our society.

These are my main reasons thus far. I will continue to explore it and ask questions. Like what about eating locally owned, farm raised poultry? How about milk, cheese, and eggs-how is the dairy industry affecting the world? I don't know yet. I am open to insights and discussions on this. Here are some links to interesting sources on all of this:
goveg.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5D8wSEHTbVk
http://www.alternet.org/story/12162
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1839995,00.html